The End of the Line: Gibraltar

The End of the Line is a 10-part travelogue journey to some of the highest Remain and Leave areas in the United Kingdom’s 2016 Referendum on EU membership. It was written over two years from 2018 to 2020, before Coronavirus made Brexit seem like a spot of man flu.

Gibraltar voted 95.9% Remain in the EU Referendum

Originally written in October 2019

There’s a place in the UK: it voted to remain in the European Union, it has a historically problematic land border with a European country and strong views on abortion. It’s not Northern Ireland, however. It is, in fact, 1,815 miles away from Britain in the Mediterranean Sea. It is Gibraltar. On 21 October, 2019 – Brexit Day (at least, at that time) minus 10 days – I made my way to the Rock.

At Gatwick airport I trudge through mile after mile of Duty Free shopping aisles, bombarded by perfume smells and assaulted with shiny images of carefree models and celebrities. Eventually I emerge, bewildered, and head to get coffee and charge my phone. I watch as a seated mother heroically ignores her child as he repeatedly tries to balance a paper cup on her head. A man, also charging his phone near me, extravagantly bops away to Sisqo’s Thong Song bellowing out of his leaky headphones. He seems way too young to even be aware of the 1999-released hit song.

At gate 35 for my British Airways flight to Gibraltar, an American couple remark how a six minute walk was ‘long’ from the main terminal. On the plane the inevitable round of luggage Tetris ensues, with various horse-trading agreements forged and foiled over space and positioning. I read the paper. New Conservative leader Boris Johnson, freshly minted after defeating Jeremy Hunt (a middle manager, at best) is in the headlines again. The Financial Times’ front page lead states ‘Johnson Sticks to Brexit deal as faith rises in Westminster victory’. By contrast, a comment piece trailed on the paper’s masthead states, ‘Little England: Johnson’s Brexit deal could break the union.’

I flip to p23 and read the piece from Johnathan Powell, Tony Blair’s chief of staff from 1995 to 2007. He heralds a nightmarish future in which Brexit leads to turbulence in Northern Ireland and Scotland, raising the prospect of a ‘Little England government’ being left with just a ‘little England’ to govern. As the call goes out that boarding of the packed flight is complete, I realise with sheer delight that the seat next to me is free and immediately spread out. It feels like the greatest of joys.

The plane takes off on the two and a half hour journey to Gibraltar. We climb and climb over the Sussex countryside until all around us is just a hazy white, tinged with sky blue. The man in front of me shifts in his seat like a bear scratching on a tree. A member of the cabin crew staff, who appears as though she has got dressed for Instagram, leans over and patiently attends to someone complaining irritably about the lack of leg room. I relish, unashmedly, my two seat luxury.

The world comes back into view when we reach Spain, passing over Madrid and then taking a vertical path down towards Granada, with the peaks of the Sierra Nevada National Park in the far distance. The plane begins to descend slowly and I can make out the coast of southern Spain. Holiday hotspots of Malaga, Estepona and Marbella line the coast. The view from the plane window is then filled with blue. The vast azure of the Mediterranean merges with the powdery sky at the horizon. Giant ships and tankers appear as though they are floating on thin air, leaving rippled tracks in the sky like the hazy air ejected by jet engines.

The plane banks and then rights itself ready for the descent. I’m sat at the back of the craft and the movement feels brutal. A pensioner sitting behind me returns to her seat from a visit to the toilet and remarks to the nervous flyer next to her, “As long as we don’t crash backwards, we should be alright.” Outside, the ailerons wobble precariously in the turbulent air stream. The sun is setting slowly over distant islands dotted about in the sea like tossed rocks. It illuminates the clouds above in a nicotine glow. Then, the Rock emerges into view.

The plane starts to judder in the changing air. Buildings and apartment blocks shuffle into view. I can feel the nervous flyer behind me getting tenser as the plane shakes up and down like a car driving on an old dirt road. Down and down and down, it descends, and then it connects with the runway like a not particularly proficient BMX rider landing a jump. The brakes are sharply slammed on and the craft pitches and shifts as it rapidly sheds its momentum until reaching a crunching stop.
“Has he been here before?” the pensioner remarks to the cabin crew as they admit that this probably won’t go on the pilot’s ‘best landings’ show-reel. An explanation comes – something about cross-winds. The man behind has gone very quiet. He probably won’t be flying to Gibraltar again any time soon.

It is 7pm local time when I exit the airport and walk the short distance to get the number 10 bus to my hotel. The number 5 is sat waiting, but Google has told me to get the number 10 and I wouldn’t want to be subordinate to the digital overlords. The bus driver is smoking while he waits to go and so I ask him how much is a single to town. He tells me, just as I realise he is standing next a big sign saying the price. I make a joke of it. He smiles but clearly thinks I am an idiot.

Eventually, the number 10 heads off down Sir Winston Churchill Avenue, cutting across the runway, and towards town. Gibraltar – also known as The Rock, but referred more commonly to those familiar with the island by the shortened name, Gib – is a peninsula that jabs out like an infected thumb from the bottom of Spain. It is like an appendage that has been apprehended from the body, and as we will explore ahead, the itchy infection remains to this day.

On the bus we pass the Rock of Gibraltar on the left and the Victoria football ground to the right. The sun still shines down and it’s warm. Old school British red phone boxes sit on the pavement. The road signs are the British type. The traffic lights, too. It’s an odd, rather jarring mix. We pass a petrol station selling the rather unfortunately named, Gib Oil. Then Notre Dame School, which has long since disgorged its children for the day. Commuters whizz around on micro scooters on their way home from work.

The first of many thick stone walls of the old defensive reinforcements comes into view, leading here to the Waterport Casements area lightly filled with early evening drinkers. Onwards we go, past the quiet Khan’s Indian restaurant. Further up a group of Jehova’s Witnesses are packing up for the day. They appear jovial after a good shift’s soul saving, although there appear a lot of untaken copies of Watchtower still left on the stand.

Gleaming blocks of flats and offices line the route, eventually giving way to tight streets with houses and the odd restaurant. I am booked in at The Rock Hotel, a rather grand old hostelry perched on the hill so that most rooms are guaranteed a view out to sea. It has welcomed the great and the good over the years. Winston Churchill stayed here, as did Errol Flynn. Dwight Eisenhower was resident here while planning the invasion of North Africa in World War II. Sean Connery was a guest in 1962 after getting married to Diane Cilento in Gibraltar. And, from the celebrity photo gallery near the lifts, other ‘famous’ former customers include Chris Tarrant and someone who I think is a singer and maybe won The X Factor, or something?

The man on reception judges me instantly as obvious riff raff and gives a polite but brusque welcome as I check in. The room is nice enough, but it’s really all about the view. A balcony with chairs gives way to a sweeping panorama from the cliff side to the left, round via the port and over to the main town to the right. The sun is now setting and across the Bay of Gibraltar you can see Algeciras in Spain. Small boats zip in and out of the harbour. A giant superyacht is moored further down, shaped like a missile made of money. It’s all pretty idyllic, like a scene in a movie.

I sit on the balcony and watch as the evening turns to night. Lights start flicking on in the buildings and streets. The Heerema ‘Sleipnir’ semi-submersible crane vessel fixed in the bay suddenly switches on tens of lights dotted down its frame and crane, making it look like an industrial Christmas tree. The atmosphere is quiet and peaceful, with only the occasional noise of a car rumbling down Europa Road. My stomach gurgles. Like a prehistoric man with access to Google Maps, it is time to hunt down some dinner.

The pretty west side of Gibraltar is where the majority of its 32,194 population live. Little winding streets host boutique style shops. A few people are out and about. It feels safe and welcoming. Old boys in suits shuffle into wine bars. A group of tourists explore a souvenir shop selling British themed tatt. Two young Jewish boys walk ahead of me. One of them sings ‘God Save the Queen’ to the other. Familiar brands such as Debenhams, Holland & Barratt and Marks & Spencer line the street. A group of Spanish workers try to get a seriously long lorry around a corner despite it seemingly being impossible. Their motorbike police escort has dismounted and is looking on equally puzzled at the conundrum. I don’t wait to see how they manage it, but they pass me further down the way.

I eventually plump for Jury’s bar, a hybrid of pub and wine bar that has nice tables spilling into the street. They are all full, so instead I sit inside by the window. Jazz plays on the stereo. As soon as I sit down, a man called John strikes up a conversation with me. He’s friendly and animated, with his wispy hair vibrating with excitement as he talks. I barely have time to open the menu before I am locked into a conversation.

John was born in Gibraltar and has lived here his whole life, barring a short stint in England in the 1950s. He returned to Gibraltar just after the border between Gibraltar and La Linea in Spain was closed in 1969 by Francisco Franco, the Spanish dictator. That ushered in 13 years of isolation for The Rock that split families apart across the border, impoverished the area and even led to vital medicines becoming scarce at the hospital.
“I hated that as I wanted to come and go to Spain whenever I wanted. I liked the freedom,” John says, as I order the fish and chips and a glass of wine from the waitress.

As his wife comes to the table after ordering drinks, John tells a story from when he was studying art in Kingston Upon Thames. He explains that he did an Ouji board with an ‘African girl’ and was possessed by a demon from the experience. His wife is now holding her hand over his eyes at a migraine, real or imaginary.
“You got any kids?” I ask, hastily changing the subject. Mercifully, he does. Their ages range from 28 to 42. The oldest is a journalist, who writes for a local paper, The Olive Press. I remark that I am a journalist, too. He asks what I write about and I reply technology, doing a mental countdown in my head until he asks me how to fix his printer.
“So the problem, John, is that your printer’s using too much ink cleaning its heads. Most likely the absorber is full and that’s why it’s going through ink in no time,” I say. He appears captivated. I resist the urge to hold my hand over my eyes.

My food arrives and John takes that as his cue to end our conversation. He wishes me bon appetite. He seems a nice guy and I am relieved to hear that his demon was exorcised by someone in a market some years ago. He fetches me a copy of The Olive Press and points to a piece on page four written by his son. I read it as I eat. Headlined ‘Electoral Breakdown’ and published before the election on 17 October, it details the three main parties that contested it: Fabian Picardo’s incumbent Gibraltar Socialist Labour Party (GLSP), the Gibraltar Social Democrats (GSD) and newcomers, Together Gibraltar. Among its policy agenda, Together Gibraltar has pledged to legalise abortion – a concept that is as controversial in Gibraltar as it is Northern Ireland.

While from midnight on 22 October 2019, Northern Ireland would make abortion legal and start preparations for providing services in the principality, it’s a different story in Gibraltar. Under section 162 of the 2011 Crimes Act, having an abortion at the time of my visit was punishable by life imprisonment. Many women instead cross the border into Spain to have the procedure. Together Gibraltar, which also campaigned to legalise cannabis and give young people more of a say in public life and had a slogan of ‘vote with hope, not with fear’, managed to secure just one of 17 seats available, compared to 10 for the GLSP-Liberal alliance. Although, as The Olive Press reports, that may have been down to them alienating the unions with a supposed pro-business stance on various issues. The Gibraltar Social Democrats, who actively campaigned to keep life prison terms for abortion, secured six seats in the election.

Brexit was also a major issue in the election. Despite Picardo previously supporting Theresa May’s Brexit deal, some had accused him of trying to “halt the Brexit process”. Over the coming four year term, he pledged to lead Gibraltar through whatever comes next. In a speech to mark the victory, he said: “Our main role in these coming four years will be to sail this nation of ours safely through the uncharted waters of our departure from the European Union. We will sail our people securely through every potential variation of that process even its potential cancellation.”
I take a sip of my wine and think about John’s demon.

Be gone thy imperial shackles

“It’s another big day in Brexit,” the BBC news presenter says with a mix of excitement, tiredness and weary acceptance that this would most likely not be the only time that they would say that even this week. It’s 22 October 2019, and later today the government planned to stage a vote on its European Union (Withdrawal Agreement) Bill – referred to by some as the ‘WAB’. Vote for the deal and then the deadbeat Dad that is the UK could then try to wangle a half decent divorce agreement with its ex, MPs were being told (well, sort of).

As I wait for the cheap hotel kettle to boil so I could make a cup of instant coffee, the BBC reporter states that Johnson might have enough votes to get it through. However, it is expected to be much tighter when MP’s vote on the ‘programme motion’, a parliamentary term that essentially in this case means the right to ram the legislation through the Commons in just a matter of days.

Robert Jenrick, the Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government, was the sacrificial lamb who’d been sent on the BBC to sell the 110-page act and its passage through Parliament. As a fair amount of the deal was reheated leftovers of Theresa May’s deal (with nothing new for Gibraltar) he says that MPs’ have had enough time to consider it. They’ve moved quickly before with legislation, he argues. With barely a week to go to ‘B-Day’ on Halloween, however, it’s already proving a hard sell.

As a way of contrast, MPs had around a month to evaluate the Wild Animals in Circuses Act 2019 earlier in the year before it even went to the House of Lords. It’s easy to see why Parliamentarians were rather sceptical when they were afforded more time to debate whether Dumbo should be allowed in the circus than consider what is essentially legislation to shape the UK’s near, medium and long-term future.

As the morning burns away the last remnants of night outside the window, I switch off the news and head down to breakfast. Already underway is the sleepy yet chaotic gala of buffet-based gluttony. A waiter has a back-and-forth with a family in a tone rather too loud for this time in the morning. They seem to enjoy it, though. A man gets up from his table, goes to the buffet, comes back again, and then repeats the process seemingly 30 times in a row. Is he assembling his breakfast one item at a time? I drink coffee and try to ignore it.

Picking up my phone, I give the news another go. Jacob Rees-Mogg is repeating government doubts over objections about limited time to debate the deal.
“A king emperor left in 24 hours and we are removing an imperial yoke in over a week,” he says. The phone goes off. It’s time to leave. I exit the Rock Hotel into the chill of the morning air, tugging my collar around my neck for warmth. I head down Europa Road towards the southern tip of Gibraltar. The road winds along the cliff side until it reaches a fork that enables passage to either The Shrine of Our Lady of Europe or a 100 tonne gun. Sorry, Our Lady, but that’s no contest.

Tight streets form a network of capillaries feeding into the sea. A grand muse house has its black shutters swung open. Inside, a woman polishes an extensive collection of silver. I swing around past the South District Senior Citizens Club, a white box on Naval Hospital road, and then around the corner children’s voices gurgle out of the Loreto Convent School. Further on I go down to the coast. Housekeepers come and go from large blocks of flats, while gardeners tend to expansive gardens hidden behind high walls. The smell of fresh flowers fills the air. Few people working here actually live here. This is a wealthy part of town, and it exudes money from the streets like sweat from the pores.

This is a big gun, but not the 100 tonne gun. Sorry.

At the 5th Rosia battery I stop and look through defensive slots in the thick walls. Fisherman stand on a pier made of rock jutting out into the sea. A canon nearby to me could blow them out of the water if it was still active. Gibraltar has a thing about fortifications. Further up the way is the previously mentioned Armstrong 100-ton Gun. I walk up there to take a look at it. What’s more to say? It’s just a really massive gun.

I return to my peregrination to the south of Gibraltar, Europa Point. Hugging the coastal road south in the still chilly morning air, I head through tunnels crudely hacked out of the rock so cars and people can pass through. I stop again at a recreation park, sitting on a concrete seat and looking out to sea at the giant tankers beyond, seemingly going nowhere in any sort of hurry. Walking onwards through the eerily quiet Keightley Way tunnel, I eventually emerge at Europa Point, just in time for the sun to come out and make me feel uncomfortably hot. I catch a moment to cool down as ‘Instructor Vinny’ swings his Vauxhall Corsa in a 180 degree turn while giving a nervous-looking youngster a driving lesson. The youngster takes over, and they drive off again: this time, very, very slowly.

The beautiful Trinity House lighthouse stands at the southernmost tip of Gibraltar, ever watchful over the Strait of Gibraltar. It casts a myopic gaze over to Cueta, a Spanish city on the north coast or Africa, and neighbouring Morocco. Control over the Strait was historically a highly coveted prize for naval powers. It was contested by the Kingdoms of Castile, Morocco and Granada in the 13th and 14th centuries. In 1704 the ‘grand alliance’ of England, the Dutch Republic and the Archduchy of Austria took the Rock as an Iberian outpost in the ongoing naval battle with France. It has remained under British control ever since.

Taking Gibraltar was a shrewd move, as the opening of the Suez Canal in 1869 would increase shipping traffic through the Strait and enrich the Rock. It soon became a gateway to the whole world. Alongside the continued flow of shipping tankers in the Strait, Orcas have also been spotted here revelling in the rich feeding grounds. Black kites and honey buzzards are common visitors to Europa Point, along with the occasional Griffon Vulture and Short-toed Eagle. Yet, I’m more interested in the chattering flock of tourists that have just disgorged from six mini-buses at the point.

The buses are marked with Parody Tours, a somewhat ill-advised brand that was apparently established in 1941. The tourists, mostly from China, amble aimlessly towards the viewing platform to take enough photos that would break the average cloud storage solution. The area in front of Harding’s gun battery becomes a speed dating event for the view. Snacks are consumed, guides are read and endless selfies are taken. Then the tourists all pack up and move off in a vaguely coordinated procession.

Their next destination may be the Gotham Cave Complex, declared a UNESCO World Heritage Site in July 2016, becoming the UK’s 30th such location. Or maybe they fancy going to The Shrine of Our Lady of Europe just around the corner. I walk there, passing the seemingly brand new Gibraltar Rugby stadium, ideally hoping that she doesn’t judge me too harshly for blowing her out for a big gun earlier.

The continent of Europe was dedicated to Our Lady of Europe in 1309, when a limestone stature of the Virgin was placed at this shrine. It was removed in 1333 after the Rock was taken by the Moors, but the Christian Shrine was returned in 1462 with a statue of Madonna and her child brought to the location. It would stand happily until 1704, when the British took the island and promptly decapitated both statues. Charming. The site would only return as the Shrine of Our Lady of Europe in 1961.

I head back towards the north of Gibraltar. On my way I pass a white Ford Transit van run by a removals and house clearance operator called Jean-Claude Van Man, a riff on the Belgian action star, Jean-Claude Van Damme. There’s a sillhoette of a man in a karate outfit performing a mid-air kick. It’s a perplexing image: does Jean-Claude karate kick all your stuff into the van? Or does he ring your doorbell, immediately kick you in the head and say, ‘that’ll be £50, mate.’? Either way, I think I’ll pass.

At a dry dock around the bay, the MN Pelican ship is in for maintenance. Not much seems to be going on, but a ‘ship spotter’ near me is eagerly taking photographs from the road. I wander onwards, past the Royal Gibraltar police headquarters. If you’re a fan of ‘bobbies on the beat’, you’ll like Gibraltar. Over a period of just three hours, I spot five police cars, two police bikes, a van and a police boat patrolling this territory of only around 32,000 people. According to the UK government’s own advice, violence and street crime are rare in Gibraltar. More incidents are reported involving people walking between La Linea and Gibraltar at night to cross the border. But despite these incidents, police presence on the border seems rather light.

Official figures in October 2019 indicated that just 33 people out of a population of around 32,000 in Gibraltar were out of work. Yet the reality is that most people who work in Gibraltar can’t actually afford to live here. Opposite the Lions FC football club of Gibraltar, with a bar fittingly called The Den, is Quay 31. This brand new block of flats will join others on Kings Wharf Quay. A one bed flat in Quay 31 would set you back more than £450,000. That would give central London a run for its money. All units in Quay 31 have apparently sold out before the building is even finished. Further up into town, the roads are clean and regularly maintained. Green spaces are watered and delicately manicured. Swish office blocks gleam in the afternoon sun. Designer goods are on sale in the boutiques. A police bike hits the ‘blues and twos’, speeding off to no doubt fetch a cat down from a tree.

At the north end of Line Wall Road, I drop down through the American memorial gate gifted to mark naval battles in World War I, and towards Queensway. Instead of going to one of the pretty cafes and bars around the area, I instead head straight for the Morrison’s megastore. It is 2pm and absolute chaos inside the supermarket. Shoppers appear to be stocking up for the apocalypse, but an Armageddon that will be catered with chocolate and alcohol. The café appears to be part building site, but undeterred I venture in. A harassed mother pushes a trolley, drags a high chair, holds a baby and shepherds a toddler at the same time. I marvel at the feat, and then offer to push the trolley for her. She gratefully accepts.

Around the corner is the port of Gibraltar. The giant Mein Schiff 2 cruise ship, operated by tour operator Tui, is moored up. Hundreds of cabins with glass windows and balconies line the flank of the craft. It’s a floating hotel sailing a culinary crusade over the seven seas, an all-inclusive yet ultimately exclusive orgy of excursions and excess. The century class Mein Schiff 2 weighs 77,000 tonnes, has 12 decks and can hold 1,912 passengers. It will depart at 6pm, but tomorrow the P&O Oceana will take its place. It can hold 2,016 people.

Around the corner from the port, the bottom of the airport runway comes into view. Nervous flyers are advised never to come here as there’s nothing but ocean after the runway ends. I cut up through the flat blocks to go to the airport. At the Albert Russo block a pet songbird can be heard serenading the afternoon sun. A first floor flat has flowers in earthenware pots placed rather precariously on a balcony. I walk past a flat on the ground floor with a ships wheel attached to the wall. I think it says ‘Welcome Abroad’ in a message on the wheel, but doubling back I realise it actually says ‘Welcome Aboard’. I can’t stop thinking about it.

The sleepy marina is ahead, with chain restaurants such as Pizza Express and Wagamama inside permanently moored boats on jetties. Further up the swish Sunborn cruise ship has been floated in and attached to the marina as a fixed, five-star hotel. You wonder if it watches in the near distance as the Oceana’s and Mein Schiffs of this world get to explore the seven seas, while it remains shackled to its permanent home. I exit the North District, past the Gibraltar World Trade Centre and over Winston Churchill Avenue once more, cutting directly across the airport runway. Traffic is held at either side when a plane takes off or lands, but otherwise it is just a steady stream of people, bikes and cars rolling either way.

As I reach the airport side, I see a faded and tatty billboard saying ‘Thank you for visiting Gibraltar’. It’s for Monarch airlines, which was the biggest airline to collapse in UK history when it went into administration in 2017. Around 100,000 passengers and holidaymakers were left stranded when the company fell, but that has since been surpassed by the around 150,000 who were left high and dry when Thomas Cook went out of business in September 2019.

Most people come to Gibraltar to see the sights – the Rock of Gibraltar, St Michael’s Cave, the Barbary macaques at the Ape’s Den. But I’m here to see the border (can you believe that I am single at the time of this visit?!?). Much Brexit focus has been on the border on the island of Ireland, but little has been said about the land border between Gibraltar and Spain. And that’s despite Gibraltarians being firmly against two things: Brexit and being part of Spain. Although the territory wasn’t able to vote in the 1975 UK European Communities membership referendum, legislation passed in 2002 allowed it to take part in European elections (somewhat bizarrely, as part of a constituency in the south west of England) and the 2016 referendum.

To say Gibraltarians didn’t sit on the fence would be an understatement. Remain was backed by 19,322 voters, some 95.91% of those who voted on a turnout of 83.64%. Large queues were reported at polling stations on the day of the vote. The UK area with the second highest remain vote was Lambeth, at a relatively indecisive 78.6%. In recent European elections the anti-Brexit Liberal Democrats won 77% of the vote in Gibraltar.

Gibraltarians are equally unequivocal on switching sovereignty to Spain. On 10 September 1967, Gibraltar had a referendum on whether to stay as a British overseas territory. An overwhelming 12,138 voters said ‘yes’ against just 44 who said ‘no’. The day is now marked as Gibraltar’s national day. In another ballot on 7 November, 2002, 98.97% voted to reject the prospect of Britain sharing sovereignty with Spain.

As a British Overseas Territory, Gibraltar would leave the EU in parallel with the rest of the United Kingdom. The Gibraltar border is outside the Schengen visa area and the European Customs Union, so in theory little should change for the Rock. However, many here fear that such a move would result in Spain attempting to gain control. And in that case, the battle line would be drawn at the border.

The Gibraltar border, close to the airport and looking a bit like a petrol station, would be the demarcation line between a new Brexit Britain and the European Union. When I visit, flags of the United Kingdom and the European Union flutter on the Gibraltar side of the border, with the flag of Spain visible over the other side in La Linea (along with the golden arches of McDonalds). There’s no inspection point for goods, instead they’re scrutinised at the port in Algeciras. A hard Brexit could mean that perishable goods would need to be inspected at the border. Smuggling could be an issue, but the geographic limitation is always present of how those goods would get back to the UK considering it is a long flight away. Rather, the bigger concern rests on whether greater checks would impact the movement of people.

Each day, 28,500 people on average cross the border, including 15,000 workers making the daily journey to Gibraltar for work. More than 9,000 of them are Spanish, according to estimates by Gibraltar’s authorities, but around 2,000 are understood to be British nationals in Spain for the cheaper standard of living. Currently, people are just waved through, but a no-deal Brexit, or even an unfavourable deal, could lead to long delays and a significant impact on both people and local Gibraltar businesses.

The comparisons to Northern Ireland are obvious, but actually Gibraltar is a very different scenario. Around double the number of workers cross the Irish border each day, but that is 500km long with around 200 known crossing points. By contrast, the border between Gibraltar and Spain is just 1.8km with a single narrow crossing point. People currently breeze through on bikes, in cars, on foot, even on microscooters. Most would be passing back the other way at the end of the day so you’d imagine they will be familiar to the guards that work here. There’s a free flow of traffic both ways. It’s about as friction free as you can get.

Some in government were keen to limit free movement over the border post-Brexit. The notorious ‘Operation Yellowhammer’ planning document for a no-deal Brexit outcome indicated that people on Gibraltar could face a four hour delay getting over the border. Gibraltar understandably wanted to avoid this. There have even been tensions between Mr Picardo and UK government ministers in the past, with some accusing him of trying to derail the Brexit process. After the government had a sly dig at Gibraltar’s allegedly poor preparation for a no-deal Brexit, Picardo fired back: “It is a bit rich for those who are getting us into this mess to tell us that we are not ready to face the worst eventualities of what they told us would never materialise.”

At the time of my visit in late 2019, border-crossing workers were already reeling from a sharp fall of the pound against the Euro, which had led to a relative drop in wages. Those old enough could also remember back to when the border was last closed in 1969 and the damage that caused. No one realistically wants more years of isolation. Spain has a veto in place that any future relationship between the UK and EU will only apply to Gibraltar if Spain and the UK agree. But equally, Spain would like to regain sovereignty over Gibraltar after it last held it more than 300 years ago.

The Spanish government has said that a no-deal Brexit would hurt Gibraltar, but it would also no doubt hurt its own La Linea. It was reported that during the closure of the border in the 1960s and 70s, around 40,000 people migrated away from the town. On Sunday 20 October 2019, more than 2,000 expats staged a protest at La Línea de la Concepción – near the border with Gibraltar – over Boris Johnson’s withdrawal deal agreed with the EU. They called for a second referendum to give the public another say. The march was attended by the mayors of La Linea, Los Barrios and San Roque, and more than 2,000 British ex-pats. The still waters of the Bay of Gibraltar run deep.

Brexit for breakfast

“We just need to get this thing through. What are they playing at?” a man fires over the breakfast table at his companion while the other man tries to apply more butter to a butter croissant. “They’ve had three years. Three years!” He holds a hand in the air in incredulity.
They both agree that Boris Johnson is a liar and then head off to the buffet to restock on breakfast items.
Across from me a couple are also talking about Brexit. He is of the ‘let’s just get out now’ school of thought. She’s the ‘think of the children’ variety. The waiter comes over with coffee and, like the good British people that they are, they stop and are all smiles yet total silence as the waiter does his job. As soon as he is out of the ear shot the argument resumes.

It’s Wednesday, 22 October, and I’m back in the dining room of the Rock Hotel. Apparently Churchill dined here…oh wait, I already said that. It’s just after 8am. The blueish bruise of dawn is still throbbing away from the previous night’s action. It’s cold outside and the patio doors are closed to keep out the chill. At around 7pm UK time the previous evening, the government finally won a vote on getting a Brexit deal agreed by Parliament. The commons voted in favour of the deal with a majority of 30, but the win % breakdown was: yes, you guessed it – 52% yes to 48% no. For Number 10, though, a win is a win. However, like a stumbling drunk first locating his house keys and then tripping over the cat and going over head first into a bush, the government then lost the ‘programme motion’ vote within minutes. This effectively meant getting Brexit done by 31 October this year was nigh on impossible.

Talk of the latest development in the process buzzes around the elegant dining room. An old boy enters and is seated. The waiters make a fuss of him, but he barely makes eye contact. They know his usual order, he’s clearly a regular. Gibraltar is a wealthy place, but its prosperity appears to come from assets more than income. Like Guernsey, Jersey and other locations in Britain’s still expansive territorial web, it’s a place where wealth comes to reside and be served.

As with many British ex-patriots, those in Gibraltar at the time had the best of both worlds: they escape the rotten British weather, but retain the rights of the European Union, including free access to Spain. They are European, but also British. They can bask in the sunshine, but also keep using Sterling, shopping in Marks & Spencer and singing God Save the Queen. And that means residents of this spit of land jutting into the Mediterranean have a lot to lose from Brexit, and little now to gain.

Leaving the Rock Hotel with its faintly stuffy old world charm I head out into the morning chill. I put my headphones on and play the latest episode of the BBC’s Brexitcast. I listen as the presenters entertainingly break down the latest developments. I wonder how long it will be before one or all of Laura Kuenssberg, Katya Adler, Adam Fleming and Chris Mason end up on Celebrity Masterchef, Strictly Come Dancing or some other reality TV show. Maybe a version of Homes Under the Hammer in which Laura berates some MPs for buying a small bit of land on the coast of Spain without reading the 110-page legal pack (if you got that joke, you clearly watch as much daytime TV as I do).

I curl my path around Europa Road, past a small cemetery holding the remains of those who died during the Battle of Trafalgar, and onto Main Street. It’s only just past 9am but it’s busy on the street. A woman is sweeping up outside her café as a delivery arrives. She chats to the delivery driver, gesticulating wildly as I approach.
“We had the certainty and now this? Why would they do this?” she says. The man shrugs in resignation, and starts unloading the delivery. Further ahead I pass the Brexit information centre on 323 Main Street opposite John Mackintosh Hall. It’s stamped with a big red sign saying GET READY on the window, like a final warning on an electricity bill. The door of the office is open and the lights are on, but the place is deserted.

On Winston Churchill Avenue the traffic is mostly people heading into Gibraltar. I walk the other way from the flow of cars, motorbikes, bicycles and people on foot pouring steadily into the Rock for work. My flight is at 11.35am and I arrive at around 10am, so I take the time to watch the border. Cyclists barely slow down as they flash their passport or ID card to the checkpoint as they go past. I reflect on the fact that clogging this up with bureaucracy could be devastating. These are people just trying to live their lives, to get to work, to earn a living, to exist. Even the tiniest of friction could negatively impact them and make their lives harder. No one really wants a no-deal Brexit, but it feels impossible at this moment in late 2019 to rule anything out. If such a scenario did transpire, then people in Gibraltar might find themselves stuck between the Rock and a hard place.

Next up, our final stop (coming soon, lockdown depending…)

The End of the Line: Skegness

The End of the Line is a 10-part travelogue journey to some of the highest Remain and Leave areas in the United Kingdom’s 2016 Referendum on EU membership. It was written over two years from 2018 to 2020, before Coronavirus made Brexit seem like a spot of man flu.  

East Lindsay voted 70.7% Leave in the 2016 EU Referendum

Originally written in October 2018

On a boring train journey from London to Grantham, where we were due to change for a connection to Skegness, my girlfriend (still in post at the time) and I watch a terrible film. We half listen as two young men, all gangly limbs and charity shop chic clothing, planned their new events business. They were called Miles and Casper, but also had a business partner called Xander. Casper bristled with irritation as the important phone call he had left to make on a train kept cutting out, because, well, he was on a train. Presumably ‘for a thing’, they dissected the latest radio listening figures, expressing bemusement at how many people listened to popular radio networks, such as Heart FM.

We arrive into Grantham station conveniently as the connection we were supposed to get to Skegness rolls out of the station. An almost daily calamity somewhere on Britain’s modern rail network orbits a galaxy of guaranteed smaller inconveniences. A missed connection, an overly packed carriage, nowhere to sit, flooded toilets, and carriages more worn-in than a regional commuter service in Siberia. There’s always either a robotic apology, a weary apology, or, sod it, no apology at all. Overcrowded, overloaded, miserable; but at least our rail fares are reliably expensive.

On the platform at Grantham station two old crones eyed our still creaking train with docile expressions. They smiled at the new arrivals, revealing a mini Stonehenge of brown teeth inside their half-gaping mouths. One was under a blanket, the other seemingly melting slowly into the bench where they sat. It’s unclear whether they are waiting for a train, or just waiting.

With an hour to kill until the next connection, we hole up in the waiting room. A pretty stain-glass window depicts the glory days of steam trains in a rather stirring image. Around the edges are various destinations: Edinburgh, London, Durham, Doncaster. Coloured light shines through the windows, illuminating a vending machine in an ethereal light. A young man in a tracksuit ranges around it, wondering why his selected Monster energy was staying so steadfast in its original position.

Outside, trains whizz by with a ‘heee-hawnk’. The red and white livery of LNER blurs past, followed by the orange and blue of East Midlands. A towering woman enters the waiting room, peroxide blonde curls mounded on her head like a Mr Whippy ice cream. Leopard skin leggings cling to her for dear life. And then emerges a ginormous pink suitcase, like a veritable rolling wardrobe, pushed by her wiry husband, out of breath in a grey sports tracksuit.

We sit down on the scooped plastic of the waiting room chairs and idly take in the atmosphere. Two young women enter, all dressed for a night out, despite it being 3.30pm. They sit opposite to us and each retrieve a can of Bacardi Breezer alcopop from a bag.
‘Can we drink these here?’ one asks the other.
They shrug, crack them open and tuck in. The next train to Nottingham rolls in on the platform behind us. The women get up.
‘Easy to drink this,’ one says to the other, ‘Like fizzy pop.’

We watch as people got on and off the train. Two other women enjoy one last vape before heading off to Nottingham. They’re also dressed to the nines, cleavage raised up proud like IKEA shelving. They wear tight jeans with rips in them, as appears to be trendy again. Through slashed holes peek ridged rolls, like orange bread dough baking in a denim mould. They finish vaping and board the train for the 30 minutes-ish journey to Nottingham.

A man wearing a baseball cap, a giant spidery tattoo on his neck and drinking a pint can of energy drink, barrells down the platform trying to keep up with his girlfriend. Another man walks into the waiting room wearing a curious combo of a bobble hat and shorts. ‘Is it warm or is it hot? I just can’t decide’, he didn’t say. He squints up at the screen displaying train information. After looking away, the squint remains, suggesting that is actually his normal expression. A heavy-set man enters the room and body slams himself down heavily on a seat. He talks on the phone loudly, but it is impossible to understand anything apart from periodic expletives. Outside, a boy rides his bike down the platform. It starts to drizzle.

Eventually, the crawling passage of time does its work and the 2.27pm East Midlands train to Skegness rolls into the station. It was already half full with people coming from Nottingham. After everyone gets on and settles into their seats, the train creaks slowly out of Grantham and heads out through the usual industrial sprawl that tends to congregate around railway stations. Like unruly teenagers, dirty warehouses loiter in the area, while giant mega-stores are ringed by sprawling car parks. From a distance we see St Wulframs church, with its pretty, towering Medieval spire.

We first arrive into the market town of Sleaford. The attractively station’s tile mosaics add a splash of colour to the Yorkshire stone buildings. A woman boards the train. She walks on match stick legs, her face a blotchy nicotine colour. She appears twitchy, eyes darting hither and yon. She’s followed by an older woman, laden down with bags. She sits on a chair with the effort of someone who has just climbed Mount Everest. The train rolls out of the station as the drizzle thickens.

Onwards, through Heckington: an even prettier station, with rich red brick buildings, lead roofs and draping greenery. And then, the time has come – we arrive into Boston. This was the place with the highest percentage of the local population to vote for the Leave side in the EU Referendum, at 75.6%. The writing had been on the wall. According to the 2011 Census, Boston had the highest proportion of immigrants from Eastern Europe than anywhere else in England and Wales. Just over 10% of the town’s population of 65,000 hailed from old Eastern bloc countries, mostly Poland, earning Boston the unimaginative nickname, ‘little Poland’.

A Policy Exchange report from January 2016 described Boston as the least integrated place in England and Wales. In the research, Boston ranked lowest of all 160 towns and cities assessed based on how minorities were integrated on identity and structure, and how well they mixed with other ethnic groups in the town. An enclave of Tsykie and pierogi, it seemed, surrounded by a sea of Lincoln Lager and haslet pies. While Boston may have been dubbed ‘little Poland’, most of its population, in part at least, seemingly wished it wasn’t.

Boston station isn’t draped in St. George’s flags and burnished with ‘foreigners out’ signs. It’s just a station. Vending machine filled with overpriced snacks, staff looking bored, trains parading listlessly past and the only splash of colour being a large advert for a local Thai restaurant. A scrapheap sits by the trainlines on the way in, but it’s just a scrapheap. Not a smart-arse metaphor.

Rolling out of Boston station, the train passes by the river Whitham. A man eyes me suspiciously from a few seats ahead as I made some notes. I discreetly put my notebook away. New build bungalows and cookie-cutter homes pass by the window in a blur of mundane mediocrity. We arrive at Wanfleet and a barrelous man with high-waist trousers gets off. The male passenger down the carriage still fixes me with a stare. I try not to think how much he looks like a Brexit voter.

At just before 4pm, we arrive into Skegness station. It had stopped drizzling and there was even a hint of sun peeking through the grey clouds. We gather our things and head for the train door, careful to go the opposite way to the Brexit voter. The man, I mean, the man. As we exit the train, a gaggle of drunken women of varying ages chant, ‘oo are ya, oo are ya’, at no one in particular.

Skegness. Or, as it’s also variously known; Skeg, Skeggy, Costa Del Skeg, or possibly most optimistically, Skegvegas. This seaside town sits in the East Lindsey district of the Lincolnshire coast. It had a population of around 20,000 at the time of our visit in September 2018, many of whom worked in the seasonal tourism industry. The name Skegness may derive from the word Skegg in Norse language, dating back to the Danish period of settlement in Britain. Skegg meant ‘bearded one’, possibly referring to the beard-shaped headland on the banks of the coast. However, this could also be one of those historical ‘facts’ that is, in fact, total bollocks.

Outside the station is the Jolly Fisherman, a symbol of Skegness. At the time, the rotund fella was ringed by bright orange workman’s tape. It was unclear what, if any, work was actually being done. Skegness did start life as a fishing village, and it would be easy draw comparisons with disputes over fishing quotas that, for some, played a role in the EU Referendum. However, the Jolly Fisherman has little to do with actual fishing.

The development of Skegness as a seaside resort started in the early 1870s, led by the Earl of Scarborough. This culminated in the railway line opening in July 1873, effectively putting the small town on the tourism map. In 1908, Great Northern Railway wanted to turn Skegness into a premier seaside get-away. It needed an eye-catching advertising campaign and so turned to the work of an obscure painter called John Hassell. Hassell depicted the rotund Jolly Fisherman skipping with gay abandon down Skegness beach in a classic railway tourism painting. The slogan accompanying it noted, ‘Skegness is SO bracing’.

OK, the bitter North Sea wind is face-burningly cold, but do you really want to highlight that? It would be like Manchester saying on a poster, ‘It rains all the time’, or London going with, ‘watch out for your valuables’. The slogan stuck, though, and became somewhat of a badge of honour for the town. The poster worked, too. In 1913, 750,000 visitors flocked to Skegness. John Hassell apparently died penniless if reports are to be believed.

Tuck in, kids!

Oh, to be by the seaside

Despite growing up in the North of England, this was actually my first visit to Skegness. The place was instantly familiar to me, though. I used to holiday frequently further up this part of the English coast, including to Robin Hoods Bay in the North York Moors, along with Whitby and Scarborough. I have fond-ish memories of spending time in a Haven holiday camp in Primrose Valley when I was young. My mum, sister and I stayed in a static caravan. I can recall wearing shorts and a t-shirt, going to the camp disco with my mum and sitting with a styrofoam cup of slimy prawns listening to ‘So Macho’ by Sinitta. Ah, good times.

Haven was not the first British holiday camp. That was created in Ingoldmells, a parish north of Skegness, by Sir William Heygate Edumund Colborne Butlin, more widely known as Billy Butlin. Butlin was a South Africa-born entrepreneur who had escaped a troubled early life to build a tourism empire in Britain. He had originally opened a static fairground in Skegness in 1927. He was making a good living, but realised that the real cash was to be made by also offering accommodation. He opened Butlins Skegness in 1936, followed by his second site in Clacton in 1938. During the Second World War Butlins was occupied by the Royal Navy, renamed as HMS Royal Arthur, and used for training. There were up to 4,500 personnel barracked there and it was bombed by the Germans in 1942.

Butlins enjoyed huge success in the immediate post-War period, but fortunes changed in the 1970s as the rise of cheap package holidays to Spain decimated the UK seaside towns. Alongside being affordable, Costa Del Sun also wasn’t face-meltingly cold for most of the year. Butlins Skegness remains in operation to this day, but has diversified to music events and festivals to broaden its appeal. As of 2018, it attracted a reported 4m visitors a year and generates millions for the local economy.

Skegness has been twinned with the chocolate box German town of Bad Gandershien since 1979. Yet, Skegness’s local council in 2018 was majority UKIP. At the time of our visit, it had nine UK Independence Party councillors to eight Conservatives, two Labour and one Independent. Vote Leave blanketed Skegness around the referendum. Posters littered the roads with big promises about ‘taking our country back’. It worked; East Lindsey voted to leave the European Union by 70.7%, just a touch behind neighbouring Boston.

On Sunday, 26 June 2016, three days after the vote, at around 6am Matthew Lewis White strung a makeshift border across Sea View road in Skegness made of wheelie bins, bits of fencing and a pushchair. The man, in his early 20s who was allegedly still intoxicated from the night before, took it upon himself to enforce the not yet agreed border to our European neighbours. When Adrian Carrington-Hunt approached the unofficial barricade at 6.55am, White demanded to see his passport in order to let him pass.

Carrington-Hunt insisted that he didn’t have a passport with him (or, possibly, pointed out that he didn’t actually need one to go down a road in Skegness), but White was insistent. After Carrington-Hunt attempted to break the wheelie-bin barrier down, White head-butted him, exulting: “Now what are you going to do?” After pleading guilty White was given 12 months conditional discharge and ordered to pay £100 in compensation.

We exit the station and walk towards town. High Street is a narrow, near pedestrianised street with faded shops boxing you in. A few branded chains have set up in Skegness but mostly you’ll see local shops with names like Flippers, Spall’s and Peter’s. Vape shops sit next to fish and chip bars. Sweet smells combine together in an intoxicating mix. Many people rove around in mobility scooters, wheelchairs or have some kind of mobility aid. Some look way too young to be in such a situation. As we walk down the High Street news of the latest Brexit debacle sounds out on a radio. No one seems bothered.

Why didn’t I book the Quorn hotel?

Onwards we head to our hotel, located on the main seaside strip. We head down the promenade past the bingo calling arcades and what must be one of the biggest Yates’s Wine Bars in Britain. We pass people enjoying the afternoon Skegness fun. Tribe-like families bounce from attraction to attraction, with mothers and fathers herding children like angry shepherds. An irate father tries to calm his daughter’s volcanic meltdown by lifting her up by her pony tail. All around rings the orchestra of the seaside; the bleep of machines, the lyrical chime of announcements, the thunder of music systems competing against each other, and groups of people shouting their approval for everything and nothing. And in the far distance, you can just about make out the hushed tones of the North Sea lapping against the sandy Skegness beach.

The Grand Hotel is a dusky peach and maroon guesthouse nestled in a row of seaside hotels. Close by is the Quorn Hotel, presumably hoping to hook in the vegetarian crowd. I rebuke myself for not booking just to see if the meat substitute theme continues within. As with most regional hotels in England, The Grand Hotel has a whiff of Fawlty Towers about it. There’s an atmosphere; an uptight tension so delicately restrained. Andreas checks us in. It’s a brisk process enabled by booking online in advance, as is the norm these days. We head up to the room, eyeing the Stannah Stairlift runners on every staircase as we go.

After spending a few moments checking out a basic but functional room, we venture back out to explore Skegness. We head straight to an arcade, with the blast of noise almost as bracing as the North Sea air outside. Inside, it’s mostly gambling machines; slots, bandits, electronic casino terminals. Many are themed to the Deal or No Deal Channel 4 game show. Noel Edmund’s well-worn face beams out, always on the phone to the banker, goading me to make a Brexit analogy. Be gone you bearded harpy.

After some searching we find a shooting game themed to the rather dreadful Terminator Salvation movie (the one in which Christian Bale allegedly had a meltdown that was leaked on the internet. Seriously, Google it). We grab plastic assault rifles and posture like cocksure twats on a stag do. While spending a rather disappointingly short time battling the tyranny of Skynet, bafflingly we attract a small crowd. A family group hover around watching as we try in vain to have decent reaction speeds. When the resistance truly was futile, we turn for the inevitable small talk.

‘Can we have a picture?’ the dad of the family says. He motions to my girlfriend’s Aircast boot that was doing a pretty poor job of correcting a problem with her ankle.
‘He’s got one, too,’ the dad adds, motioning to what we assumed was his brother, who was in a mobility scooter but was awkwardly getting up to show off his own Aircast boot.
‘Twins,’ the dad says, beaming. We smile. My girlfriend poses for the photo. We exchange pleasantries and shuffle off.
Walking Dead, Jurassic Park, Transformers; all the games follow a similar pattern of shooting the hell out of something as fast as possible until the game decides that, like a weary landlord facing the last regular on a Friday night, ’you’ve had enough, son’. It was fun, but also a very fast way to blitz through a tenner.

Around the corner is the Tower Cinema, a building rather loosely described as ‘art deco’ and showing various blockbuster films. A giant banner constantly beams out adverts for what’s on. At the time, it says, ‘Come to Skeggy and see ama Mia..’, crucially mangling the actual name of the film. A couple, both in mobility scooters, zip across the road and into the Marine Boat House Bar, a functional corner pub that had clearly seen some action over the years. Downstairs a sprawling bar has the feel of being on a ferry to France. Instead, we head upstairs for a view over the road.

The place is mildly busy, with some drinking, but most eating. A hulking man in sweat pants, sandals and socks hovers over a table like a silverback gorilla. He appears pensive, concerned, awaiting his partner’s return with a plate of carvery that it would be an understatement to describe as heaped. He beams at the mound of roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, meat and a scattering of vegetables. It sits on the plate like a food hillock, soon to be dismantled like a thousand years of wind erosion in fast forward. This was truly an impressive sight to behold as we sat and drank our fizzy lager.

It was time for Churchills. If you Googled ‘Brexit pub’, Churchills would no doubt pop-up. There’s a parade of St Georges flags outside and a statue of Winston almost as big as the one on Parliament Square in London. (In reality, it’s arguable whether Sir Winston would have approved of Brexit. A united Europe was one of his greatest ambitions, and on September 19, 1946, he even publicly advocated for a United States of Europe as a way to ensure the horror of World War II was never repeated). Churchills is the kind of pub that you creep into, expecting an O.K. Coral intake of breath. As is often the case, however, the reality is very different.

In fact, Churchills is a standard British pub. It serves beer, it serves wine, it serves spirits, and it serves food. It isn’t covered in pretentious dove grey paint with filament light bulbs. Aside patriotic accoutrement draped wherever possible, Churchill’s idea of decoration is dusty fairy lights in the shape of wine grapes. Everything isn’t preceded with the word artisan as an excuse to add a 30% premium to the price. There’s a shirt and shoes dress code on Saturday nights. The bar staff uniforms oddly look like they were borrowed from a Beijing bordello. Oh, and screens; screens everywhere showing sport. Tiny little tellies installed on the beer pumps so you can watch while you wait is clearly a touch of genius.

Churchills isn’t intimidating in the slightest and you’ll only find trouble if you seek it out. We sit on that grey Saturday afternoon and enjoy a drink, while watching Brighton lose 2-1 to Tottenham Hotspur on one television, and the undercard of Anthony Joshua’s heavyweight championship fight against Aleksander Povetkin on another. One television threatens to go into a stand-by, prompting protests from the locals until the non-plussed barmaid finds the remote control and puts them out of their misery. In another room, a group of people play oversized Jenga on a table. The chunky bricks topple over to mild cheers.

We get another drink and watch a truly dire boxing match on the Joshua Wembley bout. Two men appear to hug each other for an entire 36 minutes, yet neither seems to have an emotional revelation of some sort. Two ladies arrive in the pub dressed up for a night out. From some polite eavesdropping it appears they are a mother-daughter combo out on the town looking for love. It’s like the plot of a movie, but it’s probably best not to think of the genre. They sit at the bar and order mixing bowls of gin and tonic. As the pub fills with people arriving to get prime spots for the boxing, we take it as our cue to move on.

Googling ‘best restaurants in Skegness’ brings up a myriad of steak houses, burger joints and fish & chip restaurants. However, we opt for Saffron, the highest-rated Indian restaurant in Skegness at the time. At 8pm it’s absolutely heaving. A table opens up but it’s already booked. We slink away like rejected suitors. Thankfully, the second highest-rated Indian restaurant, Ghandi’s, is just a few minutes’ walk. It’s packed, too. A group of men we recognised from earlier in Churchills are lining their stomachs. They talk loudly and the staff politely but quickly take their orders. We sit and wait in what is loosely billed as a bar area. Leather banquettes surround a heavily carpeted floor. The walls are lacquered in black. The usual art you’d expect from an Indian restaurant bedecks the walls.

Staff buzz in and out attending to the tables. On one of the banquettes sprawls the young daughter presumably of someone who works there. She’s in her pyjamas, watching YouTube videos on a phone held about an inch from her face. We hear occasional buzzes and bleeps. So intently interested in the phone is she that others waiting wonder what she is watching. They observe her with head-tilted smiles, but the girl isn’t interested in the slightest, nor does she bother to move when new people arrive. They instead have to shuffle in and sit in a space getting ever smaller. After consuming what was clearly the second best Indian meal in Skegness, the young girl was still there in the same place watching videos on her phone at past 10pm when we left.

We head back to the Marine Boat House Bar to watch what was left of the fight. In just a handful of stadium bouts, more than 400,000 people have gone to watch Anthony Oluwafemi Joshua fight. He has become a phenomenon in a sport that can still heavily polarise opinion. His opponent that night, Povetkin, is a Russian who appeared to have some very powerful backers. But this was no Drago vs Stallone. The Russian was too polite and ordinary for that. And besides, Joshua didn’t need a story to sell a fight. He is the story.

On the upper part of Joshua’s right arm is tattooed a map of Africa, the nation of Nigeria pulled out in honour of his mother, Yeta. Joshua was born in the UK, but lived in Nigeria until he was 12, when he moved back to live in Watford. He could even have represented Nigeria at the 2008 Olympics had he not been reportedly turned down by the country’s selectors. Instead, he would go on to win Super Heavyweight Gold at the London 2012 Olympics, marked by the lion tattoo on his back. He’s now a multi-belt world champion, a multi-millionaire and a household name.

The male-heavy customer base of the bar show periodic interest in the fight. In-between trips to the toilets to snort cocaine, they shout and bay at the TV screens; ‘Kill ‘im’ and ‘knock im aht’ (Joshua eventually obliges in the seventh round – knocking Povetkin out, that is). What they did not appear to do is pay any interest to the tribes of females, dressed beyond the nines, ever hopeful that someone, anyone, will take an interest.

Even in the murky gloom of the bar, the glow of fake tan was at radioactive levels. The women wafted gusts of perfume as strong as napalm, and it mixed with the men’s vinegary sweat into an unholy fog. At some point, you’d imagine, these tribes would collide, as though on some warrior battleground, muscle-bound limbs and hair extensions torn asunder. We had no intention of being there when it happened, so we retire to Fawlty Towers for sleep.

A golden beach extends

When we woke at 8am, it was already drizzling. Hotels in the north of England tend to kick out early, and we needed to be gone by 10 o’clock. It is always intriguing to see the other guests at a hotel at breakfast. It’s a bit like the morning after a house party, at which things went on that no one wants to acknowledge. Best just to keep your head down and mouth shut until it’s all over.

A buffet breakfast unfurls before us. The scrambled eggs appeared to have been around since last week, but everything else was fine enough. I get coffee and regret it. Across from our table sits a hulking man with a bald head, wearing a t-shirt with ‘unleash the monster’ emblazoned on it. He devours a plate of breakfast goods, as his female companion stares into the distance. From what you could divine, he appeared to be in the thralls of a fitness mid-life crises that some men tend to experience. They go from smoking, drinking and doing drugs to at some point deciding to get fit. It starts with the occasional jog and then, in an alarmingly short period of time, ‘yes, why shouldn’t I tackle a triathlon?’ Then in an equally short period of time, a major injury, because, well, you know.

Behind the mini hulk sit a group of four men, dressed in vintage Mod/punk outfits. The bands on their wrists indicate that they were in town for a Ska weekender. We ate our breakfast and the room gradually thinned out until it was just us and the punks. Skegness is a regular haunt for alternative music lovers, often travelling up from the Midlands. In a few weeks’ time from our visit, Butlins was due to host The Great British Alternative Music Festival 2018 (ticking all the boxes with that name), with a line-up including The Boomtown Rats, Bad Manners and Sham 69.

That’s a stark contrast to most other live music in Skegness, which tend to host an elaborate, multi-venue version of Stars in their Eyes. Shirley Bassey, Luther Vandross, Whitney Houston; they all have and haven’t played in the town. We look up and see that we were now alone in the breakfast room, with just a bored-looking waitress waiting for us to go.

Checking out I share some small talk with Andreas, a German from just outside Hamburg, who opened the Grand Hotel in 2014 and now runs it with his wife. He explains that running the hotel is so busy that he didn’t have any time recently to get back to Germany for his father’s funeral. It was the same when his mother died shortly after he opened the place. He tells me that soon he will close the hotel for the winter season, when the wind gets so cold off the North Sea that it costs him a fortune to heat the place.

We depart the hotel and wince at the icy morning air. The drizzle hits our faces in lightly stinging drops. There were no trains out of Skegness on that Sunday until 2.10pm. Just the previous week the timetable had been slashed down to the bare bones. Everyone was having such a good time that they wouldn’t want to leave, we presume. We head out to explore the town. There’s a unique bleakness to an English seaside town on a cold, rainy morning. Equally, it’s not without its charms, particularly when you have time to kill.

Across from the hotel is the Arnold Palmer Putting Course. It was unclear whether it had an official endorsement from the seven-time golf Major winner, but he would no doubt have approved of people honing their skills by getting a ball under a fibre glass rocket. We walk onwards away from town and then pause at an intriguing medieval castle. A knight in a suit of armour stands proudly atop the battle ramparts. Next to him flutters the flag of Lincolnshire – a yellow cross mirrored the St Georges, with green and blue quarters representing the land and sea respectively. In the middle a yellow fleur-de-lis represented the city of Lincoln.

On closer inspection, this fortified structure in fact turned out to be a pub. Known as Suncastle, this alehouse boasts the enticing prospect of ‘castle themed rooms’ available for parties of up to 500 people. As it was too early to drink the £2-a-pint Carlsberg beer on offer, we move on. A bowling green is behind the pub and some old boys are already playing an early game. We stop for a moment and watch, until the bracing cold becomes too bracing to remain stationary.

To keep warm we head for a walk behind the bowling green and alongside a river. Greeting us is a sizeable mound of dog excrement at the entrance. Undeterred, we take a walk down the path as the water slowly flows alongside, a glistening oily slick on its surface, punctuated by the occasional carrier bag or piece of litter. You can take a boat down here in the summer, when the bright sunshine is probably somewhat kinder on the surroundings than a cold, wet and grey autumnal morning.

Down a sweeping curve of the boating stream, looking out onto the sea from the other side, are beach huts. As it was out of season, they’re mostly boarded up at the time. The sky hangs in a gloomy grey as we head onto the pier. These old wooden board piers are always a treat. We walk to the far end and look out to sea. The wind farms on the horizon are now a familiar part of British coastal economies. This moment feels satisfying; bracing, but satisfying.

This golden beach, holder of a Blue Flag since 2011, extends either side of us. The sand is thick, clean and welcoming. Peer over and you could just about make out the lovely Gibralter Point Nature Reserve on the northern limit of the Wash. In 2017, parts of the Skegness foreshore gained ‘registered park and garden status’, effectively making the area Grade II listed. Skegness has so much going for it.

We head back past the scattering of rather sad looking stalls at the base of the pier, trying not to make eye contact for fear of a guilt purchase. A muddy looking pool promises some kind of fun for all the family (and presumably some kind of infection). A speaker belts out a pop-dance number that’s bracing for all the wrong reasons. Soon, we are back in town by the Clock Tower. Across from it is a rock shop. A sign proudly announces that this is British Rock, with a picture of a British Bulldog in varying shades of sugary pink and yellow. None of your foreign muck shall rot our British teeth.

A woman with a respirator in a specially-designed back pack inspects the produce. She’s joined by a pair of teenage parents, all dressed in sweat pants and sportswear, their child chomping at the bit to tumble out of the pram. Then a wiry drug addict joins the party, eyeing the sugary treats with suspicion. Instead of joining them, we head for a cup of tea. After refreshments, we visit Hildred’s shopping arcade. Opened in 1988, it appears to have hardly changed in thirty years. Shoppers flit between the stores selling jewellery, gift items and general knick-knacks.

A noticeboard at the far end of the arcade is filled with little colourful messages. One advertises an event entitled; ‘Relive the past, 1940s Remembered’. It promises World War Dress, memorabilia and, with somewhat foreboding, 1940’s style food. Another advertises a Remembrance Day Parade, while another punts a Christmas fayre – offensively early in October. In the corner a note is marked ‘save our services’ and calls on residents to protest downgrades at Pilgrim Hospital, in the neighbouring town of Boston, to the children’s ward and the neonatal and maternity units. There’s a Facebook group to sign up to.

We leave Hildred’s and head over to a covered market area. Stalls are setting up to sell their wares, including one with a veritable bounty of Betty Boo paraphernalia. A clothes stall has numerous signs saying ‘no dogs’, but is situated right next to another stall specialising in dog treats and accessories. A computer repair shop looks ready to be rebooted.

Onwards, back up the High Street; approaching midday the town becomes much livelier. Roving tribes of families patrol the streets, stonewash denim mixing with sportswear, like The Warriors reimagined by Jeremy Kyle. They hunt for something to occupy the little ones until they’d expired sufficienty pent-up energy, yet all the time keeping them fuelled up with sugary treats. The faint smell of dog excrement becomes stronger as we move further into town.

We pass the Smoke Safe vape shop, and then Williams bar, with the drooping ‘M’ in the sign held in place with yellow tape. We see another person with a respirator pack, and then have to side step out of the way of a couple on mobility scooters. They peer inside Flippers restaurant and ponder a deep fried lunch. We exit the High Street and head over to the precinct area in front of the station. The sign that announced ‘Welcome to Skegness’ on our arrival, pronounces, ‘See you again’, on the way out. We are an hour early for the train but there’s already a queue forming. A couple with unfeasibly large suitcases vape furiously at the front. They had clearly been there for a while.

As we stood and waited for the train, there’s time to think. Why does Skegness not only feel like the end of the line, but the end of the Earth? According to data from the Office of National Statistics (ONS), Skegness ranked as the most deprived seaside area in 2013. The ONS reported that deprivation levels, factoring in income, health, jobs, education and crime, were around two and a half times the national average. In data reported by the ONS in 2015, Skegness was in the top 20% most deprived areas in the UK. Between 2010 and 2015, the East Lindsay district, including Skegness, saw the 10th highest percentage point increase in the proportion of most deprived neighbourhoods.

Buoyed by the listing of the Skegness foreshore, consultants had been hired shortly before our visit to regenerate the foreshore and, in theory, bring back former glories. You can understand, though, why people in Skegness have heard all this before. British Railways tried to close Skegness station in 1964 following a decline in passenger numbers, but was unsuccessful. The station, giving a vital connection to the outside world, has clung on ever since. The Skegness Interchange Re-Development and Revival Project transformed the hub and introduced many improvement works in 2013. The funding came from the EU.

We shuffle into a regimented queue inside the station. Ahead of us in the queue a rotund man-child boasts about the sexual encounters he most definitely had the night before. His friend, rather unfortunately named ‘OJ’, sniggers along. The girls with them appear wearily familiar with the routine. The train eventually rolls out of Skegness. We settle back on the long journey home. On the way it becomes clear that the spectre of ‘disruption on the line’ had struck again. Are the London connections through Grantham running? It said they were but also that they weren’t on the mobile app. So, we ask the guard. He just checks the same app as we had and agrees that, ‘yes, that is rather confusing’. We ask National Rail on Twitter. Someone (or maybe a bot) replies that all trains were cancelled. We decide to chance it.

On the apparently cancelled train back to London, two young men sit down heavily in the seats in front of us. One wears a pink Nike cap, the other a beanie. They both have JD Sports draw-string bags filled with possessions. Wrist bands tell that they have been to Mint festival in Leeds. In the gap in between the seats we can see the phone screen one of the men is showing to the other. It has the Apple Maps app, clearly displaying the location point going in the opposite direction to that which they wanted; Boston.
‘I told you this is the wrong train,’ one says to the other.
They flag down the conductor.
‘What’s the next stop?’ one of the men asked.
‘London,’ the woman said, as the boys went a shade of grey.
‘I told you this is the wrong train,’ one repeats to the other.

Next stop, Brixton in London

The End of the Line: Brighton and Hove

The End of the Line is a 10-part travelogue journey to some of the highest Remain and Leave areas in the United Kingdom’s 2016 Referendum on EU membership. It was written over two years from 2018 to 2020, before Coronavirus made Brexit seem like a spot of man flu.  

Brighton & Hove voted 68.6% Remain in the 2016 EU Referendum

Originally written in October 2018

The Sussex pub sits on the corner of St Catherine’s Terrace and Kingsway on Brighton & Hove seafront. It is midday on a Saturday in October 2018 and two women on a table nearby already have multiple empty glasses in front of them. A group of lads noisily play pool. Three old boys chat conspiratorially at the bar. The décor feels like a work in progress. A bland colour palette of greys and greens mixes with cheap wood. There’s bad art on the walls and mismatched bric-a-brac sits gathering dust on shelves. A rusty suit of armour stands near the door for no discernible reason.

The woman serving at the bar remarks that the lager is pouring rather lively today, and asks if I want a flake in my pint. I suggest hundreds and thousands could work better. She agrees. I sit down on one of the large, rather dated tables. The pub is cavernous, with multiple rooms and spaces portioned off from each other. It feels like a sprawling care home. A chemical smell hangs in the air. One of the lads playing pool, a giant tattoo slapped on his neck, heads over to play the fruit machine. In between cracks of balls hitting each other, his acquaintances complain loudly about work.

The Sussex is an unusual sight in Brighton (well, Hove, actually, as has become a rather tedious catchphrase locally). It’s relatively hard to find such a traditional ‘boozer’ here these days. Most pubs have long ago transitioned to filament lightbulbs, exposed brick walls and dove grey paint. A food concession is likely; probably burritos or dirrrty burgers (each extra ‘r’ denoting an increasing unit of cost). Long gone are the days when requesting what wine a pub offered was answered with, ‘red and white’. A range of ‘craft’ beers is a must. In fact, it’s near impossible to find pubs in Brighton that offer just the ‘set menu’ of Carling, Heineken, Guinness plus a cider. That’s not even retro yet.

Just as with a certain infamous big red Brexit bus, our journey to Brighton & Hove starts with an untruth (or maybe an alternative fact?). I travelled to Brighton on 22 September, but that was 16 years ago nearly to this day, and I never left. I was born in Sheffield, moved to Manchester when I was 18, and eventually found my way down here for various reasons. I am neither southern, nor really northern anymore. I am neither a Brighton native nor a visitor. But then, that is common for many people in this city of around 270,000.

I leave the pub and take the short train ride from Hove to Brighton. Brighton station is a handsome beast. Decorated lattice metal arches provide the backbone for an open, airy complex that feels both old and new. You could quite easily imagine steam trains rolling in here alongside the scarlet red Gatwick Express. Exiting the ticket barriers and crossing the concourse, two blue plaques are displayed at the entrance. One is for David Mocatta, who designed the station that opened 167 years ago in September 1841. The railway line linking London to Brighton had officially opened a year earlier. It put Brighton on the map.

The other blue plaque is for John Saxby, a pioneer of railway signalling who lived in Brighton. Such a landmark is probably galling to anyone who regularly commutes to London, as they will experience near daily disruption due to ‘signalling problems’. It would be harsh to pin that on Mr Saxby, however, as he died more than 100 years earlier. Fittingly, all trains to and from London were cancelled on this day due to vague excuse of ‘improvement works’.

The station bustles with activity. While sat on the bench for five minutes, I see three people with brightly coloured hair and four with dreadlocks, including one man with a giant dread that was like a Spanish omelette of hair slapped on his head. All of these people are white. This wealthy seaside city on England’s south coast is not technically diverse, in either race or political standpoint. To say it is left-leaning is a staggering understatement. Here, being alternative, liberal and progressive isn’t uncommon, it is the norm. Most Brightonians exist in an echo chamber, where everyone and every lifestyle should be respected; in words, if not necessarily in practice. The only exception is anyone who votes Tory, advocates animal testing, or, yes, voted for Brexit. They may struggle to get a date.

All seaside resorts have a touch of seediness about them. It’s a barely pulled net curtain. Rooms rented for short stays. Couples sneaking in to B&Bs for a clandestine rendezvous, hats pulled low to hide modesty and restrain passions until safely behind closed doors. Brighton, however, dials such seediness up to 11. There’s an undercurrent of vice to the city, a constant flow of debauchery always rippling beneath the surface. It rises on high tides at the weekends, and then drops to lower ebbs during the week. But it’s always there for whoever wishes to seek it out.

This commitment to nihilistic pursuits collides in Brighton with a militant sense of ethics, like an angry mashing of erogenous zones by two people who love to hate each other. Brightonians agonise over the ethical sustainability of the food they eat, the coffee they drink and the clothes they wear. Yet, they’re perfectly happy to hoover up cocaine on a night out that has no doubt left a trail of bloody destruction from its point of origin. Mass gatherings celebrating some ethical good cause on a sunny day fast turn into sprawling festivals of debauchery, leaving behind a sea of single use plastics after everyone has decamped merrily to their respective after parties.

Politically, Brighton sits comfortably in a bubble of the Guardian and the Green Party. If the polling industry does come here, we’d be only representative of ourselves. We have a cafe that exclusively sells breakfast cereals, for Christ’s sake. You would expect a high Remain vote, and at 68.6%, the voting area of Brighton & Hove fits the bill. It was not high enough to rank in the top 10 highest Vote Remain areas, but that was still a pretty unequivocal rejection of leaving the EU.

At the time (October 2018), Brighton had the UK’s only Green MP in Caroline Lucas, and the representative for Hove was Labour’s Peter Kyle, who once co-sponsored a motion to bring a new referendum on membership of the EU. The then Brighton Kemptown MP, Lloyd Russell-Moyle, would later be thrown out of the House of Commons in December 2018 for grabbing the ceremonial mace – the five-foot golden rod that has for more than 500 years represented parliament’s authority by the crown – during a debate on Brexit. The sight of him scampering off with said mace like a smartly-dressed shoplifter says about as much about Brighton’s regard for tradition as you’d care to mention.

Exiting the station leads to the forecourt. It had recently been tarted up but quickly become a favoured haunt for drunks and drug addicts. Visitors, including already-sozzled stag and hen do’s, stumble out of the station and head straight down Queens Road. On sunnier days, it’s like a human river, as fun-seekers take a straight shot down to the seafront. Depending on the time of day, you’ll see every eye-opening depth of well-marinated merriment, like a sewer pipe of happy humanity disgorging effusive effluence straight into the sea.

I head down Queens Road. Albion Kebabs serves up grilled meat in honour of the local Premier League football team. The relatively new Ibis hotel, set up on the site of a former Casino that burned down, already looks worn in. Across the road is the Panda Chinese supermarket and restaurant, catering to the many visiting Chinese students that come to Brighton to study, either at the universities or on an English course. You’re never far from a decent interpretation of Sichuan cuisine. Or, perhaps a Chinese herbal remedy? In cards filling its window, the Chinese Medical Centre a few doors down promises to cure everything from insomnia to impotence, stiff neck to scrotum ache. It also apparently has a cure for something called ‘whoop’, which as I understand, can lead if not treated to a devastating infection of, ‘there it is’.

Looking down North Road, past the functionally ugly Tower Point office block where I used to work for a recruitment company, three giant cranes are working away on the major redevelopment of The Royal Sussex Hospital in far Kemptown. The Kemptown area is well worth a visit, particularly the always-bustling St James Street. Walk this street at any time of day and you’ll see all manner of wonderful oddities. During the Gay Pride celebrations in August the entire street is cordoned off and ticketed. It’s a riot. One year, I walked up there the day after the celebrations and the road was sticky like an old pub carpet. It’s best not to think too much about that…

When I broke up with my girlfriend in January 2019, my sister had relayed the news to one of her friends. The friend had looked back at her, puzzled, and replied, “I thought he was gay.” My sister returned her puzzled expression and asked, “Why would you think that?” To which she said, “Well, he moved to Brighton.”

Although it’s not actually the law to be gay to live here, Brighton is the unofficial gay capital of the United Kingdom. According to data from 2014 released by Brighton & Hove City Council, between 11% and 15% of the city’s population over the age of 16 were lesbian, gay or bisexual. In 2013, Brighton had the highest number of civil partnerships registered outside of London. And if Brighton is the gay capital, Kemptown is its downtown core. It is a vibrant and always bustling neighbourhood, in which party squat houses mix with multi-million pound mansions. Regency architecture peers down on scuzzy pubs. But it’s not where I am heading today.

I cut through Brighthelm Gardens, a nod to Brighton’s former name, Brighthelmstone, in the 1500s. In this decade, the nascent settlement survived being twice attacked by the French to grow into a budding town. Brighton has some semblance of a history of fishing, but that was fast overtaken by tourism. In 1750, a doctor named Richard Russell wrote a book claiming that bathing in seawater was good for the health and wellbeing. This was enough to persuade the rich and well-heeled to come to Brighton for a seaside-based pick-me-up.

Brighton became the place to be and be seen after the Prince of Wales visited in 1783. George IV would eventually build a seaside home here, the Taj Mahal-inspired Pavilion. The place was (and still is) lavish. Do take the tour, it’s worth it. The Music Room, in particular, is luxuriously decorated and intensely opulent, with blue silk curtains and gold leaf dragons embellishing the ceilings. Nine lotus-shaped chandeliers illuminate the space, and the walls are decorated with lustrous canvasses. It’s been twice restored, following an arson attack and damage during The Great Storm in 1987.

Mostly, though, the Prince Regent built himself a seaside folly to indulge his many jollies. The Pavilion was a place where the prince could meet, greet, eat and, predominantly, whore himself into obese oblivion. By his death in 1830, heavy drinking George was chronically obese, with a 50-inch waist. His own doctor, Sir David Willkie, described him, somewhat harshly, as ‘like a great sausage stuffed into the covering’. The King suffered from gout, was near blind and was taking enough laudanum to tranquilise an elephant. Nowadays, in the John Nash landscaped gardens around the Pavilion, you’re likely to find people drinking and smoking marijuana at most times of the day. The Prince would no doubt approve.

Brighthelm Gardens, just a 10 minute walk from the Pavilion, is a functional place. There’s a children’s play area and a vegetable patch. It’s also a regular area for homeless people to congregate. Occasional charities will lay out sandwiches for people to eat, like a vital feast fly tipped for the needy. According to Government data released in January 2018, Brighton and Hove had 178 rough sleepers at a count in November 2017, up 24% on the previous year’s count. The city had the second largest population of rough sleepers, just behind Westminster, but ahead of Camden and the entire city of Manchester.

Exiting Brighthelm Gardens, I re-join Queen’s Road. On the corner a couple stand looking Gallic and cool – she wears a beret, he has a scarf foppishly tossed around his neck. They aren’t actually French. The Brighton Clock Tower lies ahead, built in 1888 to commemorate the Golden Jubilee of Queen Victoria. The noise of a megaphone rings around the surrounding buildings. At the base of the tower flutter Palestinian flags. A banner states, ‘End Israeli Occupation Apartheid’.

Such demonstrations are a regular occurrence in Brighton. A bottle refill business on nearby Western Road, the main strip connecting Brighton and Hove, was boycotted almost every weekend for a period of months due to alleged connections to Soda Stream, a company then owned by a business in Israel. It subsequently changed to a cheap coffee shop, and then a posh refill shop trying to cut down on use of packaging in supermarkets. At the demonstration a buff white man wearing glasses and with a black and white check keffiyeh wrapped around his neck, hands me a leaflet. It says, ‘Apartheid: Wrong in South Africa, Wrong in Palestine’. I take the leaflet and move on.

Head left and you’ll find the Lanes, an often befuddling and usually busy rabble of tight, narrow passages featuring some of Brighton’s oldest shops. There are jewellers – some good, some downright sharks – and historic pubs, such as The Bath Arms or the Cricketers, situated on a site where there has been a pub since 1547. The Greene Room in the Cricketers is named after author Graham Greene, who often drank here and featured it in his novel, Travels with my Aunt. His letters to a former landlord are framed and hung on the walls.

Past the Clock Tower is West Street, known locally as ‘fight street’ for the regular pitched battles between revellers on weekends (or, indeed, any night of the week). There are numerous places to get fuelled up for a scuffle here – Molly Malones, Yates, Bar Revolution. The Bright Helm is a Weatherspoons, the cheap and cheerful pub chain whose chief executive publicly backed Brexit. Inside, a stag party, all dressed in brightly coloured Hawaiian shirts, are fully focused on getting as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible. Outside, an ambulance is parked up ready to go.

Over the road once was Sherry’s. Opened here in the early 1900s, Sherry’s really became a premier Brighton night spot during the Second World War. Allied servicemen and Brighton girls would come together to escape the toils of war for an evening. Sherry’s was hugely popular with Brighton locals and the city’s criminal community, too. It was featured in Graham Greene’s classic novel, Brighton Rock.

As musical tastes began to change, fewer people were interested in the big band and swing music played at Sherrys. It, alongside another venue, the Regent (now a branch of Boots up the road), would later close. Sherry’s was converted back into a roller skating rink in 1949 and then became the Ritz amusement arcade in the 1960s. It later returned as a nightclub in various guises through the ensuing decades, including incarnations as the Pink Coconut, Creation, the Paradox, Tru and most recently, Hed Kandi. Nowadays, the venue at 78 West Street sits rather sad and unloved. Someone had written ‘Join the Party’ in huge graffiti letters on the frontage.

The same curse of dilapidation has afflicted the Hippodrome around the corner. The venue opened in December of 1902 and played host to some major entertainment names over the years, including Sammy Davis Jr, Harry Houdini and Laurel and Hardy. It started off hosting theatre and variety acts, and gave a platform for Brighton resident and comedian, Max Miller, also referred to as ‘the Cheeky Chappie’. In the 1930s, the Hippodrome expanded from the original theatre into the neighbouring buildings, but by then Music Hall was on the way out.

The Hippodrome kept going as a music venue until the 1960s, when it was the venue for concerts by the Beatles and The Rolling Stones, but it closed in 1966. After that, the only thing rolling were bingo balls until 2006, when the building closed for good. Various attempts to resurrect the Grade II* listed building have gone ahead, but to date the venue has remained boarded up, derelict and open only to the pigeons.

The Hippodrome, dreaming of better days…

Back on West Street, I pause outside the hulking and ugly entertainment complex housing Prizm nightclub and the Odeon cinema. A wall advertises various Freshers 2018 events catering to Brighton’s large student population, including Dappy, Fatman Scoop and Josh, who has the ignominy of having ‘(from Love Island)’ after his name. I can smell the sea. And so can the investors.

The historic Brighton seafront is in the midst of a major renovation. A total of £46 million was spent on creating the somewhat divisive British Airways i360 attraction, a 170-metre giant stripper pole ejecting out of the beach, up which a circular viewing platform periodically ascends and descends, like it’s a phallus being masturbated by a giant ring doughnut (if you can think of it, someone somewhere has tried it). An additional £1.5m was spent landscaping the area around the i360 to make it more attractive (well, something’s got to keep that thing erect). A further £5m was spent on demolishing and rebuilding the King’s Road Arches under the A259 road and upper promenade. It hosts attractive shops ranging from The Hat Hut to Banana Louis Hair Studio.

Shelter Hall was built in the late 1880s as a retail space on Kings Road Arches. Despite being partially listed, it had fallen derelict and the gym below was closed over fears of structural weakness. Alongside completely shoring up the structure, the entire building will eventually be fully restored with a new rotunda on the prom housing a café and restaurant. Below there will be a 1500-square metre commercial space (yes, I read the marketing material). Rebuilding of Shelter Hall had been paid for by a £9m grant from the Department of Transport’s Challenge Fund, along with £1.7m from Brighton and Hove Council.

Further up, the Sea Lanes outdoor swimming complex had been granted £4.5m to create a 50m, eight-lane open water swimming complex complete with supporting leisure complex with shops, offices and studios. The historic Volks railway received £1.85m in lottery funding to develop a purpose-built station and heritage visitor centre to bring the attraction back to former glories. A £1.7m, 300m long zipwire attraction had already opened past the Palace Pier in a spot formerly occupied by Brighton’s observation wheel.

Other projects planned included more than £250m to develop 11 new buildings at Brighton Marina, just past Kemptown, housing 853 new flats, along with retail and commercial facilities. Some £540m was potentially to be invested in the regeneration of the Brighton Centre, Churchill Square and Black Rock areas. Architects had been selected to regenerate the site around the King Alfred Leisure Centre. in Hove Alongside improving the sports centre this would in theory create a new 560 flat complex. The cost had not yet been announced, but considering the scale of the plans, you can safely assume it would be in the hundreds of millions.

A further redevelopment was being considered for the Marina arches around the Concorde2 venue, including a proposal from Boxpark, which makes retail spaces out of old shipping containers. Not all of this would come off, of course, and some would potentially fail or prove to be a complete eyesore like so many ill-advised regeneration schemes. But this potentially represented close to £1 billion of investment in Brighton & Hove seafront.

This contrasts starkly with the experience of other coastal locations in Britain. In data reported by the ONS in 2015, Skegness was in the top 20% most deprived areas in the UK (read more about my journey to Skegness here). Blackpool, an almost direct competitor to Brighton in the English seaside resort stakes, had eight of the 10 most deprived areas in England in 2019. Proximity to London could be argued as Brighton’s strength, yet Jaywick, a seaside village close to Clacton-on-Sea in Essex, had been named the most deprived area in the UK three times in a row since 2010, according to government data. It takes virtually the same time to travel to Clacton and Jaywick from London as it does to get from the capital to Brighton.

Magnet for makers

Brighton has always had something about it; something that elevates it above being a relatively mundane Sussex seaside city. In part, that has been because it always acted as a beacon, a siren song for those looking to be different; for those wanting to check in, and check out. Those seeking to shake shit up, for whatever reason, or just no reason at all.

The mods and rockers battled here in the 1960s, throwing deckchairs and terrifying the establishment with their youthful rebellions. More than 250,000 people descended on Brighton beach in 2002 for Big Beach Boutique II, set up by Brighton native Norman Cook, AKA Fat Boy Slim. Only around a fifth of that crowd had been expected, yet it was like Norman had posted a party invite on Facebook while his mum and dad were away. Local amenities and authorities soon tumbled into chaos, and the train station was a borderline riot. Nothing gets between Brighton and a party.

The story of the Mods and Rockers has since transcended into folklore (and a film in Quadrophenia), while Cook remains a popular local Brighton celebrity and returned with various follow up live events. Such cultural reverence, however, probably isn’t going to be applied to the regular visits to Brighton seafront of the English Defence League. For a number of years, the EDL staged a march here, dubbed locally as ‘racists’ big day out’. Bald heads, tracksuits, tattoos and St. Georges flags were usually just about visible behind a sea of bright yellow police jackets as the march made a slow shuffle down the front.
‘What are they bothered about now?’ I overheard someone ask as they stopped to watch the march in the summer of 2017.
‘Some bollocks about immigrants,’ another voice answered.

The march tends to rile up the local anti-fascists, often skinny and wiry young white men in black hooded tops and sporting wispy beards. They shout abuse, but always at a safe distance. Each year, the merry band of the EDL rolls on. Their broiled anger ejects in floods of spittle, but they are never remotely close enough for it to count as spitting distance. It’s almost tragic, in a way. There is a certain comic nature to the EDL. The group’s march in Liverpool one year ended with them being driven out of the city to the sound of the Benny Hill theme tune. What they represent, however, is no laughing matter.

The group, popularised by Far Right poster boy Tommy Robinson, has stirred the dark heart of racism and Islamophobia in England. The EDL motto, ‘In hoc signo vinces’, rough translates as, ‘In this sign thou shalt conquer’, and has nasty references back to the Crusades. Groups such as the EDL once gnashed teeth at the fringes of popular discourse, but now they move increasingly into the spotlight. Their messages of nationalism and ethno-nationalism are more effectively landing home beyond the fringes, and now reaching ordinary people frustrated with the country in which they live.

On the route of their Brighton march, the EDL have to pass the ‘kiss wall’, a seafront sculpture by Brighton artist, Bruce Williams. It depicts six photographs of people, all ages, genders and sexual orientations, kissing. The faces are recreated using punched holes in aluminium, so the light behind reveals the picture. If the EDL hopes to recruit new members when marching in Brighton, you’d hope they’ve brought some strong shoes.

I head over to Brighton Pier, also known as the Palace Pier. It was actually the third pier to be built in Brighton when it opened in 1899, after the Royal Suspension Chain Pier and West Pier. It’s the only one still going. Heading onto the wooden boarded platform there’s an abundance of fish and chip restaurants and kiosks, a veritable bounty of sugary snacks and treats, and a smattering of dreadful-looking seaside jewellery and nick-knack stalls. People move from stall to stall, as a Hitchcock-esque hovering crowd of hungry seagulls circles ominously above.

As it’s a warm October day, the pier is packed. People take group selfies, eat chips from polystyrene trays on benches and frantically herd rabbles of children from one attraction to the next. Inside a converted Gypsy caravan is Ivor the Tarot Consultant. He has a large hoarding trumpeting his corporate credentials, including endorsements from Ericsson, Guinness and Tate & Lyle (another high profile Brexit backer). He has apparently featured on BBC One and ITV 2. A basic reading is £15 – I resist the urge to ask for odds on a no-deal Brexit.

Music blares out from all sides. Horatios Karaoke bar looks like an industrial bunker. The Horror Hotel seems to be better than some hotels I have actually stayed in. The Turbo rollercoaster zips around to the expected screams of delight. I stop to watch a hen party batter each other senseless on the dodgems. A young boy has a meltdown as his mother tries to placate him with doughnuts. It’s time to leave.

Brighton’s other pier (the Chain Pier was destroyed by a storm in 1896) is the West Pier. The Eugenius Birch-designed attraction’s heyday was immediately after World War 1, when thousands flocked to walk the boards. Despite being Grade 1 listed, the pier closed in 1975 and never reopened. Devastating fires in March and May of 2013 finished off any slight hopes of restoring the pier to its former glory and it has now been declared as unsalvageable by English Heritage. The West Pier Trust, which owns the relic, plans to restore the original octagonal entry kiosk, opened in 1866, to its former glory but that’s about all that can be saved. The West Pier now sits as just a metal skeletal of what it once was, a sculptural edifice always threatening to be consumed forever by the sea. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere – answers on a postcard…

I look up at The Grand, a handsome vintage hotel that saw its facia completely devastated in 1984, when the Provisional IRA detonated a bomb. It was intended to assassinate the then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and her cabinet attending the party conference. It failed, but five people were killed in the blast. Across the road is on the recently-renovated i360 forecourt, where I peruse an exhibition for the Brighton Photo Fringe. One set of images is affecting, showing how homeless people live, eat, love and stay clean. Another is more abstract. One picture depicts a woman cuddling up to a beef roasting joint. It is entitled ‘Dear Meat’. I am not sure I get it, but with other people close by, I give a knowing, nodding expression that I do. The noise of another megaphone rings out.

On Regency Square, a GMB union rally was being staged to protect the NHS from privatisation. A giant rainbow flag with Green Party written on it is held aloft by two people. A stand sells books on Marxism. A woman carries a placard saying, ‘stop profiting from healthcare’. A banner says, ‘It’s a matter of life and death’. The man with a megaphone is being drowned out by a woman with a pushchair nearby berating her child for not having a wee when he had the chance.

‘Socialist worker?’ a man asks me as I head through the crowd. Bit presumptive, I think, but buy a copy of the newspaper anyway. It is £1, but I only have a £2 coin. I tell him to keep the change. Was that a bourgeois act? He seemed happy enough. I sit down as a new speaker starts to address the crowd, and open the paper. There’s surprisingly little on Brexit, instead most ire is aimed at Conservative austerity policies and the ongoing government cuts. On page 4 the lead article is titled, ‘Mass march shows the mood for an independent Scotland’. It sits next to a rather grim piece titled, ‘Stockpiles of body parts are just the latest failure of privatisation’.

I close my £2 paper and head off to get some fish and chips in the nearby Regency Restaurant. Most tables are occupied by Chinese students. The woman with the pushchair can still be heard telling off her child for his toilet-based decision making. Across the road, a Ford Excursion stretch limo pulls up and a hen party tumbles out, carrying suitcases and half-finished bottles of various alcohols.

After a serviceable plate of fish and chips in the Regency (do stop to check out the ‘wall of fame’, featuring pictures of celebrities who have eaten there), I head on towards Hove’s part of the front. A year earlier, in September 2017, a #stopbrexit rally made a similar journey on its way from the Labour Party conference in the Brighton Centre down Brighton & Hove seafront. Led by a Boris Johnson impersonator, the march culminated with a rally on the lush Hove Lawns. EU flags were flown alongside a scattering of Union Jacks as speakers, including Brighton Green Party MP Caroline Lucas and former Labour spin doctor Alistair Campbell, addressed the hundreds of people in attendance.

Caroline Lucas speaks to anti-Brexit crowd on Hove Lawns

In October 2018, all that was being protested on the lawns was a drunk man arguing with himself. I leave him to it, and walk on to deepest, darkest Hove. The tall Regency buildings look impressive as they stoutly stare out to sea. Closer inspection, though, reveals peeling paint, rusted metal and lashings of faded glamour. They’re like a grand dame of the theatre, staring out to sea through badly applied make up, dreaming of more illustrious days long gone. Just like the actress, these buildings have clearly seen plenty in their long and occasionally glamorous lives.

The further you go away from central Brighton, the more visibly you come to the edges of gentrification, like the outermost ripple on the prosperity pond. Further away from the sea, walk down Portland Road in West Hove and you’ll see this phenomenon most sharply. Some pubs have transitioned from decrepit boozers to artisan alehouses. The Aldrington pub had gone from stomach-churning cheap lager and an abundance of pool tables to dove grey paint, reclaimed furniture and a wide range of craft beers. It’s now called the Westbourne.

The once vibrantly edgy Portland pub is now the Stoneham. The drug dealers and craggy drinkers had been replaced by more children than your average crèche. The 2005 smoking ban forced a lot of these old drinking houses to change, but shifting tastes and attitudes towards what a pub should be did the rest. Now, most are borderline restaurants.

As you go further and further down Portland Road, the swell of gentrification starts to lose steam. The cafes become old fashioned but without the irony. The Three Graces has remained steadfast as a pub’s pub, for now at least. A tattered and tangled St Georges flag hangs outside a glass fitting shop. A large sticker proudly states ‘Made in Britain’ on the window. An old man dressed in a musty suit and anorak walks down the street drinking a super strength can of lager. A homeless woman stops begging outside Sainsburys to stride in a wonky but purposeful march towards somewhere.

Further down Portland Road you get to suburban sprawl. The houses are mostly 1930s semis alongside a scattering of ugly flat blocks and new builds. Vans nip in and out of the industrial park, home to giant branches of Toolstation, Screwfix and Yes Electrical. The office of French energy-company EDF looks like it was designed in Soviet Russia and the architect was mercifully shot immediately after completion. Some fancy flats have been built next door with a lovely view of Le Sandwich café over the road.

Eventually, you hit Portslade station and turn down Boundary Road back towards the sea. Fast food takeaways sit cheek by jowl with betting shops, tanning salons and pawnbrokers. The £1 Zone promises bargains. The United Reformed Church promises salvation. A man sits sunning himself on a chair outside Polish grocery shop, Vitaminka. Henry’s Meat Market is presumably not a euphemism.

Portslade’s high street was named as the 20th worst out of 1,000 retail locations as ranked by property consultancy Harper Dennis Hobbs in March 2019. As with many down-at-heel high streets, there’s an abundance of predatory services; gambling, smoking, vaping, calorific carb loading, and various businesses covertly urging poor financial decision making. A minefield is laid out in such a place, teasing and taunting people to bleed from their hard earned pay packets.

While in many places the poverty trap is permanently snared, Brighton & Hove is always lifted by the wealth pouring in. According to the latest available Office of National Statistics data as of October 2018, the average property in the area sold for £360,166, compared to the national average of £226,906. The gentrification clock was most definitely ticking for West Hove and Portslade. The ripple would reach here eventually. It was just a matter of time.

*

Six months later in Spring 2019, Brighton had been braced for Brexit Day on 29 March. Britain was supposed to leave the European Union on this day, but that was before MP’s voted against then prime minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal by 344 to 286. Brexit was officially delayed, much to the contentment of most of Brighton. I walk along Marine Parade. Bikers clad in leathers noisily rode hog bikes past me, farting along the road like they’d just eaten a big meal at a Toby Carvery. I watch the Volks railway trundle along the seafront, and look in puzzlement as a man in the back carriage oddly manhandled his wife’s face (well, I presume that was his wife…). Bright sunshine beams down onto my face through blue skies.

A day earlier, I was walking to my home in central Brighton. As I passed the generic Churchill Square shopping centre a group of protestors strode past. They held a banner reading that they were with the Extinction Rebellion group that had recently brought some parts of London to a standstill. The group had been set up to do direct action protests against climate change apathy. They chanted slogans and waved placards as they passed the line of shops on Churchill Square and onto Western Road. It was time for us to wake up and smell the CO2, they declared.

Inspired by the actions of Swedish teenager Greta Thurnberg, a new generation of young people were standing up to call for action on climate change. They were understandably fed up with the dismissive attitude of older generations, who will most likely only see the slight tremors of global warming. By contrast, these young people knew it would be them hit with the full force of the coming quake. So, they had decided to demand more of their politicians, businesses, elders, and to be fair, of themselves, too.

Climate change has gone from science claimed by some as fiction, to science universally viewed as fact, even among the most regressive in society. Whether that transfers into action of any meaningful nature was what many worried about. Shoppers stopped and stared as the march went past. Some cars honked their horns in support. People came out of cafes to look at the colourful ensemble, blaring music from loud speakers and chanting, ‘Extinction. Rebellion’ as they went. As the tail end of the group passed me, a young man with pink hair and halfway through eating a Zinger towner burger, shouted after them, “No one gives a fuck.”

Next stop, Skegness

The End of the Line: A journey around Brexit Britain

Just like that, we were out. More than three years after the country had voted for it, Brexit had got done (sort of). It hadn’t taken much. The traditional British political landscape was in tatters. Breaking news had truly broken the news. And the public lexicon had been ram-rodded with some of the most awkwardly arcane terms of Parliamentary process. On 31 January 2020 we were out of the European Union, and with barely a whimper.

Boris Johnson and his merry band of assorted gammon (some Fortnum & Mason, others Asda’s own brand) had achieved what at times seemed to be the impossible; to dissolve the UK’s marriage with the European Union. Britain was left like a battered set of buttocks in a pulp political thriller written by E L James. The divorce was agreed, and all that remained was an awkward year-long polyamorous open relationship while the UK and its European counterparts attempted to unpick nearly 50 years of intensely close trading arrangements (and divvy up the good crockery).

Now, the beleaguered British people had been freed up to worry about other things, such as remembering the name of the latest storm that was busy knocking over their garden fence. Obsessing over the fact that January and February appeared to last a decade (and 2020 was a Leap Year, God help us). And more pressingly, how long our stockpile of toilet toll and dried pasta was going to last in the Coronavirus lockdown, which in turn, had made Brexit appear rather like a trivial bout of man flu.

While the Brexit saga unfurled, I set out on a journey to the places that did and did not vote to leave the EU. I went to some of the most extreme Leave strongholds and the most ardent Remain redoubts. All were at the end of a railway line, or held some other full stop on a transport route. Although such a metaphoric mise en scène may have gradually run out of steam, this journey revealed to me a shrinking Kingdom carved up not solely by Leave and Remain, but by the winners and losers of decades of uneven prosperity. Is Brexit a bright new future that will even up the odds, or the end of the line?

A steaming bowl of Brexit

On 23 June, 2016, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland stared into the abyss. By 24 June, 2016, it had flung itself head first in. Overnight, the British people had opted to finish with the European Union by text; ‘Soz, it’s you not me.’ Not only was Brexit the most seismic political event to hit 21st Century Britain, it could also easily double up as a breakfast cereal brand. ‘I start every morning with a bowl of Brexit and a steaming mug of Parliamentary Prorogation’.

As I set out to the Leave and Remain hotspots throughout the United Kingdom, I went through a break up of my own. My girlfriend and I took part in a two person referendum with the question on the ballot; “Should INSERT NAME remain a member of this four year relationship, or leave this relationship?” Unlike the real EU Referendum, we had a 100% Leave vote and the deed was done, without an act of Parliament in sight.

Although I initially appreciated being able to make my own laws and enjoyed the new-found control over my borders (via a series of Air BNBs, hotels and a month spent in a friend’s spare room while waiting for a permanent place to live), it wasn’t all fun and games. Breaking up with a long-term partner is like peeling apart two bits of Velcro; while some might just want to rip them asunder in one glorifying motion, I instead set about gradually unplucking the bonded fibres, breaking the ties that bound, until previously separate lives could be resumed.

Effectively, it’s like working your way at a torturously slow pace, at great expense and through often bottomless emotional torment on a journey that only gets you back to square one. And all that time you can enjoy hours spent forensically picking over what went wrong, why the love had gone and where to place the Northern Ireland customs border. Oh wait, that might be Brexit…

Big Dave’s European vacation

The EU Referendum of 2016 was not actually new. A preceding vote on leaving the European Economic Community (EEC) was held under Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, in 1975, just two years after we had joined. That vote came out at 67.2% to 32.8% in favour of staying in Europe. However, the seed was planted of being better off alone. Over the next 50 years it would fester inside the Conservative party like a benign tumour. Even Margaret Thatcher – the Iron Lady who famously said, “No, No, No”, in 1988 to Brussels expansionism – ultimately fell into the yawning chasm within her party over Europe.

More than 40 years after the original vote, the tumour finally became cancerous. To some, the decision to leave the European Union was a coup de ’tat by the crazies, intent on isolating the country from years of prosperity, progression and peace in Europe. For others, it was a confirmation of a long-held view that the EU was a bureaucratic mill-stone that the UK could do without. However, just like Jaws isn’t just a movie about a shark, the EU Referendum wasn’t just a vote about Britain’s membership of the EU. Rather, it scratched a deep itch within the country – and more notably the conservative movement – that had rapidly grown agitated and sore. And it was a gamble for one man that hadn’t quite paid off.

Aware of the bristling European malaise in his party, along with the rise of the UK Independence Party, the then prime minster David Cameron had proposed a renegotiating of the UK’s relationship with the Europe Union. Effectively, some pretty darn tough marriage counselling, I’ll have you please. Cameron wanted Britain to be effectively allowed to opt out of the EU’s core ambition of forging an ‘ever closer union’ between the people of Europe. In sum, we don’t want to sing ‘Kum ba yah’ with you at the Brussels camp fire anymore. However, that was akin to going into a negotiation about the terms of membership to a golf club on the basis that golf isn’t actually a game.

With a pungent whiff of Neville Chamberlain, Cameron emerged in February 2016 from the talks proudly waving his deal. And he had that 2015 election victory in his back pocket, with his new ‘odd couple’ sitcom with Nick Clegg fully commissioned for proper telly.

What his final proposed deal with the EU eventually said is worth quoting: “It is recognised that the United Kingdom, in the light of the specific situation it has under the Treaties, is not committed to further political integration into the European Union. The substance of this will be incorporated into the Treaties at the time of their next revision in accordance with the relevant provisions of the Treaties and the respective constitutional requirements of the Member States, so as to make it clear that the references to ever closer union do not apply to the United Kingdom.”

So, we’re in but also not in and that makes sense ‘cos we say it does, OK? The in-out-shake-it-all-about deal was supposed to be turned into legislation by the European Commission after the UK voted to remain in the EU in the referendum. With that sealed, Cameron no doubt went straight down Ladbrokes with what was left in the Budget.

The prime minister must have taken heart from the Scottish Referendum. That brutal slug fest had been covered with about as much balance in England as William Wallace’s big day out in the capital on 23 August, 1305. The undercurrent bristled with, ‘These heathens will see sense eventually’, by the pink-cheeked toffs that are forever in power to some degree. But then, of course, the Scots stayed. With a Thanos-like click of his fingers, Cameron had kicked off the EU Referendum. Was he confident? Is a highly privileged white man ever not confident? It’s like entering a competition when you not only have rigged the game, but could change the rules at any minute if things appear a bit dicey. Or not, it seems, when equally privileged and powerful men have got there first.

So, the country steamed ahead with the vote. For whatever reason, those who spearheaded the Vote Remain campaign spectacularly misread their opponent’s ability to leverage the dark arts of electioneering. Dirty money, a full court press on social media, psychological manipulation, foreign interference and downright fraud are all alleged. You’ll find better accounts of the ins and outs of those sordid stories elsewhere, with considerable fewer bad puns.

Whether he was too busy wondering if Barack Obama was going to respond to that wink smilie text message, Cameron misunderstood the feeling in many parts of the four nations that make up the United Kingdom. So, one of the most depressing pageants in British democratic history (and that, most definitely, is saying something) proceeded ahead. And (almost) half the country ended up in the early morning, staring in disbelief at the result:

Vote Leave: 51.89%, Vote Remain: 48.11%.

Although the turnout of 72.2% of the electorate was higher than most General Elections, the Vote Leave win was hardly what you’d call a majority. If this was an actual race, it won purely by having an overly large nose on the dip to the finishing line. But the die was cast, the pieces were moving and the UK was on the road to single-dom (is there a country version of Tinder? Just asking for a friend). Leave voters were in raptures, Remain in tatters. But this was no Magnus Opus of electioneering. It was the political equivalent of a muddy non-league game, in which 22 players kick lumps out of each other until the ball ends up somehow in the net. It’s not an own goal. No one even knows what it is.

I was in the 48.11%. I shared many people’s incredulous disbelief as to why someone, anyone, could regard an A-Team of Michael Gove, Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Liam Fox as being gatekeepers to a credible plan for their future. But I, along with all the other ‘Remoaners’ as soon become a tedious insult, were in the minority (just). The nation, it seemed, had spoken and the will of the people (well, again, just over half of them) was to leave the European Union.

Whatever side they chose, most people who voted in the referendum had, in all likeliness, hardly ever thought about the EU up to that point. Perhaps the occasional eye-roll and head shake at some tabloid story about a ‘health and safety gone mad’ style ruling. Maybe some guy in the pub droning on about straight bananas and how Turkey was going to join the EU and the price of kebabs would go up. It is doubtful, though, that many people spent their evenings debating the vagaries of Brussels’ working directives over the dinner table.

But now, a choice had been placed on the table. A question: “Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union?” How is a normal, rational person going to approach such a nebulous question? Are they going to spend hours boning up on European law and institutions? Or travel to Brussels to perform a rudimentary inspection of the institutions and their respective policies on fruit curvature? No, because it is boring. Rather, they will read the question as, are you happy? Do you feel prosperous? Do you feel safe? Do you feel heard? If the answer is no to some, or all, of those questions, then why vote for the status quo? At that time Vote Leave planted a powerful seed; let’s take our country back. Let’s get back what we’ve lost. Let’s take back control.

OK, we got very affordable Polish builders out of the EU but what else has it done for us? We ruled the waves before, we can do it again. We can charm the world with our plucky spirit, and return home from our voyages with chests laden with gold to share out among everyone in the four nations (Disclaimer: Some exceptions may apply). We’ve got the ‘special relationship’ after all. And if ‘The Donald’ wins the White House, he loves Brexit!

I mean, come on. We survived the Blitz, didn’t we? Ah yes, the ‘Blitz spirit’. Amongst the chest thumping it’s rarely noted that the Blitz was survived at a cost of 32,000 lives and with around 60% of London homes destroyed by the bombing. Or that there was rampant crime, with 1,662 cases of looting coming before London courts in one month alone in October 1940. But yeah, Blitz spirit it is then…

Even the most ardent Brexiteers would struggle to argue that what ensued following the 2016 vote represented taking back control in any meaningful way. Our political class appeared to be unfit to run a school tuck shop, let alone one of the largest economies in the world. Cameron quickly cleared off like he had just booted a football through a neighbour’s window and then nonchalantly wandered off with a “dum di dum dum”. And then Theresa May sashayed robotically into the hot seat, chanting ‘Brexit means Brexit’ like she was playing a game of political Kabaddi. She no doubt hoped that no one would remember she had in fact backed Remain. All was missing from her leadership pitch was an Alan Patridge-like, ‘Can I just shock you?’, before downing a glass of Blue Nun wine.

After becoming leader, Mrs May set out to successfully score a colossal own goal with a disastrous 2017 general election that lost her government its majority and instead shackled her future to the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) of Northern Ireland. Yep, the same Northern Ireland that has the United Kingdom’s main land border with the European Union. Undeterred, Mrs May set out to lead a Team Brexit initiative with about as much efficiency, coordination, progress and harmony as an early round on The Apprentice. Her Brexit strategy appeared to be akin to a removals company trying to get a sofa into the house that everyone knows is never, ever going to fit.

The other nations of the European Union must have looked upon Britain like a distant friend going through a mid-life crisis. We just needed to buy a leather jacket and a mid-range sports car, and snag a young girlfriend who was definitely into us, and the picture would be complete. And for the watching public, rarely had a political event left them so angry, fascinated, puzzled and crushingly bored all at the same time.

This calamitous pantomime possibly reached its nadir when Chris Grayling – the then transport secretary who appeared to be the political equivalent of Mr Bean and had his own #failinggrayling hashtag online – awarded a £13.8m government contract to provide extra ferry services between Ramsgate and Ostend in the event of a devastating ‘no-deal’ Brexit scenario to a company that has never run a ferry service and didn’t own a single ship. If that wasn’t enough, it emerged that Seaborne Freight had re-used the terms and conditions from a takeaway food outlet, advising travellers to check their goods before “agreeing to pay for any meal/order”. The company also misspelled the address of its own head office in its Companies House filing. Seriously, what would even count as satire anymore?

Eventually, what seemed inevitable came to fruition. Theresa May finally released her white knuckle grip on the Number 10 door knob, and via a rather ludicrously one-sided Conservative leadership contest, Boris Johnson was named prime minister. Not by the 45,000,000-strong UK electorate, but by 180,000 Conservative Party members. (Yep, sounds about right.) Despite a stuttering start in which he lost more votes than he has children (probably), Johnson would eventually take the leftover curry that was Theresa May’s Withdrawal Agreement Bill, pick a bit of stuff out, put a bit of stuff in, shift the naan bread into the Irish sea and then reheat the whole meal until it was to the satisfaction of the now exhausted and famished European team.

The deal had previously been destroyed by MPs like it was an overweight Sunday football team getting chucked into the Premiership. But Johnson had won a majority at the December 2019 general election so thunderous that he could have shot someone on Fifth Avenue and.. oh wait, sorry, wrong blonde demagogue. On 23 January 2020 the rehashed deal sailed through Parliament like a British clipper cutting through the West Indian sea. Just when Jeremy Corbyn’s red revolution had appeared ready to roll, the Empire had struck back.

On 31 January, 2020, a damp, grey and rather miserable day was capped at 11pm, when the Withdrawal Agreement came into force and the UK was officially out of the EU. Some people had greeted each other with a ‘Merry Brexit’ or ‘Happy Brexit’ earlier in the day, like this was a second stab at Christmas when all your presents were Ladybird books on, ‘How to plan for armageddon’. Newspapers splashed their front pages with lurid Brexit Day collages. Boris Johnson hailed the “dawn of the new era”. In the European parliament, MEPs sang ‘auld lang syne’, while Brexiters, led by Nigel Farage and Anne Widdicombe, waved tiny Union Jack flags like they were celebrating a Royal divorce.

Ahead of the big day, there had been a row over whether Big Ben, then being renovated, should be lifted from its slumber to ‘bong for Brexit’. That was a followed by an equally important debate over the use of an Oxford Comma on the Brexit 50p. Yes, it was a typically underwhelming apocalypse; how very British of us.

This may not be Mr Brexit…

Ultimately, Big Ben didn’t bong for real, rather it was simulated on the frontage of Downing Street after a digital clock had ticked down. Its crescendo was met with great jubilation on Parliament Square as Farage – who had earlier unveiled a portrait of himself entitled ‘Mr Brexit’, in an event hosted by Jim Davidson – led the celebrations. In a febrile atmosphere, Brexiteers sang God Save the Queen while waving more Union Jack flags. The victors enjoyed the spoils, but all Remainers heard as Big Ben’s Bongs digitally rang out was, ‘bring out your dead’.

The following day, 1 February 2020, I flew to Amsterdam on a short break with my new girlfriend (spoiler alert: I found love again). I watched as British people looked confusingly at the passport queues. ‘It still says ‘European Union’ on mine,’ a man said to his travelling companion, peering at his passport.
‘Fuck it, I am just gonna go through this one,’ he added, before heading through the EU passports gate, as the bewildered border guard gave a weary sigh.

The end of the line

The travel writer Bill Bryson once wrote in his classic British travelogue, ‘Notes from a Small Island’, that the Brits are the happiest people in the world largely because our joy is so modest and achievable. A pint after work, a cup of tea and a biscuit, a scone with jam and cream (let’s not get into the ongoing, bloody war over which goes on top of which). Such twee sentiment feels good to cling onto, but the truth is that at the time of the EU Referendum people were, for various and complex reasons, angry. In some cases, very angry. And all the tea and biscuits in the world wasn’t going to change that.

Just as in the final throws of a dying relationship, it is tempting to try to roll back the clock and cling to what has ultimately been lost. If you were so minded, it would be easy to hold the belief that Brexit could be stopped, reversed, and the UK returned to how it was. Just like an old flame could be rekindled from the ash that remained. But that is just as deluded as trying to ‘take back control’. And then like ratcheting through the stages of grief, come the recriminations. It’s easy to throw your hands in the air and decry those with an opposing view. To damn them as racists and bigots. Despite the closeness of the vote, 17,410,742 million people voted to leave the European Union and a group that big can’t be dismissed so easily. They are normal people. They’re concerned about their lives, their livelihoods and their futures. If more than half the United Kingdom wanted to ‘take the country back’, what is that country?

The End of the Line is the story of Brexit told in the places that did and did not vote for it. In this series, I set out on a journey to the final stop at transport lines across the British Isles, and beyond. I visit Brexit strongholds, including coastal towns, historic locations and important ports; and Remain redoubts, including seaside cities, London boroughs and a British outpost in Europe. Each place has a different story to tell in the context of the vote. There is something about being at the end of a line. It’s a feeling of having nowhere else to go. These locations either feel energised, exciting and engaged, or barren, bleak and forgotten. They’re either a desirable destination, or a dead end.

The End of the Line is not an overarching political history of how the vote to leave the European Union unfurled. Nor is it an extensive repository of interviews with those who voted on either side of the spectrum, giving their opinions on the whys, what’s and wherefores. You can find better sources for both streams of thought elsewhere. Rather, this work is about the social and economic history of the places that voted in or out, and what that tells us about the state of the nation now, and in the future. And most importantly this is a journey to try and find out what it means to be British in the age of Brexit. Last stop, all change.

Next up, the first stop on our journey in Brighton & Hove.